I'm Losing Myself
by Yamistar
Summary: Suuichi Minamino is starting to lose his sanity when the fox spirit inside him begins to make efforts to try and make him seduce his best friend Hiei. Complete
1. Default Chapter

I'm Losing Myself

Chapter 1: Torturing Dreams

Summary: Suuichi Minamino is slowly starting to lose his sanity because of the constant efforts made by the youko spirit inside him to seduce his best friend; Hiei. And the youko gets his chance to finally crack though Suuichi's calm façade when the hybrid get hurt and they are all alone.

A/n: Cliché? That's what I thought. Sounds better from my POV. The author's POV.

Rating: R Author: Yamistar

Genres : Angst, Ecchi, Romance Type: Original

Warnings: Shonen-ai, Ecchiness, mentions of Shota, limes, mentions of N/C, H/C, cliché ness, Solo.

Disclaimer: I don't own YYH and co.

TORTURING DREAMS

I continued to run as the small child in front of me slowly started to disappear from my sight. I stretched out a hand and I yelled, "Hiei! Matte yo! (Wait a minute!)" The small child looked back at me and he stuck his tongue out at me and he continued to run away. His small form disappeared and I stopped running. Strange. I blinked a few times as I ran over what had happened. What he did was acting…childish. I scratched my head and I asked myself, "Now that I think about, how did **I **get here?" I looked around in the darkness and I shivered as I had the felling that someone was watching me. I turned around totally, but as I took a step forward, I bumped into someone small. I looked down, and low and behold, my chibi friend had appeared behind me. I kneeled down and I asked him, "What happened to you?" He looked up at me for only a moment before he lowered his head till his chin touched his small chest. I stared at him; waiting for an answer. But I became even more confused when the chibi started to cry.

One of my eye brows rose up in confusion as the half fire demon child rubbed at his face to try in vain to dry his tears. He stood there. In front of me like he had lost his mother in a store or something. My eye brows bunched together when chibi slowly bent his knees and he rolled into a ball on his feet. He cried onto his knees and I just grew more confused. I cautiously reached out to my best friend and I gently laid my palm on his back. I gently stroked his back to try and comfort the small child, but nothing seemed to work.

I looked up sharply as another being came into view, and I gazed questioningly at the tall silver being known to me as Youko. He smiled down at the small child; as if he did not know I was there. As if he couldn't see me. The child shook more as the kitsune reached for him. My eyes grew wide as Youko dug his sharp nails into Hiei's side as the child refused to move from that spot in front of me. A small cry escaped the demon child as he began to struggle against the older demon's hold. Red blood coursed from ten slices in the chibi's sides, but he tried his best to ignore it. I felt frozen to the spot as I watched all of it happen. I couldn't move. No matter how much I wanted to help my best friend.

The chibi's cries were silenced as the kitsune pushed the child to the invisible ground and crushed his heel into the fire demon's back. I glared at the fox spirit as I saw the smile that was still plastered across his face. I stood up to my full ningen height with some difficulty, and I growled out, "Stop." But the kitsune did not stop his assault. He put more weight onto the foot that was smashed into my friend's back, and tears of pain coursed down his face. As if I were an animal, I felt my hair stand on end as I felt a strange protectiveness fall over me, and I growled out, "Stop it." The kitsune closed his eyes in delight, and he ground his heel into Hiei's back even more and I reached out for the youko and I screamed, "Stop it!" But to my disappointment, my hand passed right threw the body of the tall demon, and the two bodies slowly started to disappear together.

I glared into the darkness as I asked with malice in my voice, "Why do you do this to me? Why are you doing this to him?" A cruel laugh sounded threw out the darkness, and a voice that I easily recognized said, "Because it's a test. And every time I give it to you, you fail." The tall youko appeared before me again. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and he said, "These kind of dream I force you to have always turn out the same. You chase, you try to comfort, and you get angry and protective. You fail." The kitsune walked up to me and I asked, "Well, what is the point of this so called "test" of yours?" The demon explained to me without an expression on his face. "You are not supposed to give up when our little koi disappears. You are supposed to continue to chase him. He dose reappear. And from there on, the whole dream would change." He smiled evilly and he said, "If you pass the whole test, your reward is to make the small demon yours." I took a cautious step backwards and I asked, "What do you mean "make him mine"?" The fox demon smiled again and he said mockingly, "Take him. Make love to him. Mate with him. Take your pick. I have more."

My eyes widened and I took another step back and I asked, "Not…not as a child! I could never do that to him." Youko took a step closer to me and he said, "No. You wouldn't be able to. Not Suuichi Minamino. But us, together, we could. The only thing holding me back from mating with the little brat is you." He momentarily glared at me and he said, "If I could get rid of you, I would. But we both know that Hiei doesn't trust me." I smiled a little and I said, "If you would have taken things slowly like I did, then you wouldn't have that problem now would you?" Youko glared even harder at me and he said, "I wouldn't have had to "taken things slow" if you hadn't barged in at the moment that you did." I smiled brighter and I said, "It's my duty to protect the innocent from the likes of you." The demon growled and he said, "I know you Suuichi. I've seen the way you stare at him. I've seen your dreams. I know just as well as you do, that you want him just as much as I do. Or, maybe even a little bit more." I glared at him and I said, "So? There's no harm in loving him from afar. At least I don't have the disgusting fantasies that you have about him! I see them too Youko. Anata-wa kimochi warui yo! (You make me sick!)" And I took a step forward as I prepared to attack the demon. But I tried in vain as the demon disappeared before my eyes, and he said hauntingly, "You cannot hurt me Suuichi. You're nothing but a weak little ningen." I narrowed my eyes and I thought to myself, 'Coward.'

"Yes. You may think that ningen. But I will have our small friend. Even if I have to push you off the edge to do it." A wave of pain hit me, and I was forced to my knees by an invisible force. My back felt like it was being stepped on. I fell over as the pain increased and I remembered my last thought before I went back to just sleeping without dreaming. 'I'll protect you Hiei. Even if I have to die to do it.'

A/n: too cliché? I kinda thing it is. Oh well. I like the idea. And I hope you do too! But if you don't, don't humor me and spend pity on me. Be honest. Ja!


	2. I've Seen You in Ways

I'm Losing Myself

Chapter 2: I've Seen You in Ways

A/n: Does everybody really like the sound of that chapter title as much as I do? I really like the sound of that title. By the way, in this chapter, two whole days have passed since the first chapter.

julie: Yep! Gotta love the yaoi of it all! Thank you!

cradle to the grave: Don't ya just love the in depth dedication I make him have for the little fire baby? Thank you for the review!

Nobodynow: It's me! It's just that I get a lot of ideas from other people's stories, but I change it so much, it's not plagiarism. I have no idea where I got this idea from thought. I think I got it from a movie. No, that can't be….rakes brain I can't think of the place where I got this idea from. Maybe it was a song? Ah, I don't remember. But please keep reading! You're nice! Thank you!

I finally got my two YYH CDs'! hides CDs' from prying eyes You no looky! My CDs'! Mine! You can never have them! and this crabs chibi Hi-chan this is mine too! Mine! Err…on with the story? Oh! That wasn't supposed to be a question! Just go. walks off laughing evil as she listens to her YYH CDs' until they melt because of so much usage Muwahahahahahahahaha!

I'VE SEEN YOU IN WAYS

I sighed lightly as I sat down under my favorite tree in the local ningen park. Or whatever they call them. I sighed again and I turned my head up to stare at the branches and leaves of the tree. I smirked lightly when I saw the branches move to shield me from the burning rays of the sun. Approaching foot steps caught my attention, and I whipped my head around to my left and I ran my eyes up and down the tense form of the tall half youko that approached me with caution. He smiled at me and waved. I raised an eye brow at him and I light waved back at him.

Kurama stood above me and he asked, "May I sit down?" I grunted to myself and I said, "Sure." I had actually come to this park to be alone. But what the hell? The redhead gently plopped himself down next to me and he sighed to himself. "It's going to rain soon," he stated. I glared up at the sky and I mumbled, "I know." He chuckled lightly and he said, "Rain isn't as bad as you make it out to be Hiei. It's very refreshing." I glanced over at him, and I said, "Well, you don't have to spend nights over in trees in the stuff. You'd be saying different if you did." The fox chuckled again and he said, "I guess." I glared at him a little and I turned back to stare straight ahead.

Trickily, the fox acted like he had fallen, unbalanced, and he landed in my lap. The half youko had been pulling these stunts with me ever since we became Spirit World Detectives 1. He had been, what Yukina and the other girls called "flirting" or something like that, with me for…what two to three years now? It's been so long, I think I'm beginning to lose count. But anyway, the "flirting" consisted of him: patting my ass, pinching me almost anywhere he could and anytime he could, "accidentally" rubbing up against me, "accidentally" brushing his hand or his leg against my crouch, and a lot of other things that made me feel uncomfortable. I felt an embarrassed blush rise up on my face when the fox squirmed in my lap and he rubbed his stomach into my groin. I could feel myself grow hard under his ministrations.

My shoulder rose up to cover my neck, like in a shrug, and I shivered as a cool wind blew into my face, and the heavy smell of rain swept threw the park. The kitsune pulled himself out of my lap, and he stood up beside me in my sitting position and he said, "Well, the rain is starting to move in. Would you like to stay at my house for the night so that you don't get wet Hiei?" I glared evilly up at the fox and I mumbled under my breath to where he couldn't hear me, "Are you sure you're not going to molest me?" Kurama turned around and he asked me, "What? I didn't hear you." I continued to glare at the tall fox and I shrugged my shoulders and I mumbled, "Whatever." It was so tempting to add on, "You stay on one side of the room, and I stay on the other. You got it?"

I grumbled as I stood up and I brushed invisible dirt off my pants and rear. Sadly, as I had expected, the youko thought that it was his business to help me, and his larger hands joined mine on patting invisible dirt and things off my bottom. His warm hand cupped both my cheeks and he squeezed lightly and playfully, and I yelped and tensed and I arched my back forward into a bow. The kitsune chuckled and he whispered hotly in my ear, "Come on. Let's go before the rain starts." He gave my butt on more playful squeeze before he started to walk off in the direction of the park entrance.

A/n: Hehe! All work and no play make youkos very horny. The little bastard. Ecchi! Naughty, naughty, naughty! Dirty, dirty, dirty!

1: I know how to spell Reikai, but I don't know how to spell detectives in Japanese. So, I didn't want to take a chance of getting it wrong.

Hope all of you liked the chapter! Sorry for the shortness, but more naughtiness next chapter! Showers and the like! Muwahahahahahaha!


	3. A Lost Battle

I'm Losing Myself

Chapter 3: A Lost Battle

A/n: It took me forever to think of an idea for this chapter! That's crazy! I usually hate the first four chapters! Especially the first chapter. Beware of the angst, and N/C that is to come **very** soon. Like…next chapter soon. smiles evolly

What2callmyself: No, that's alright. My best friend tells me about her twisted, **really** crazy dreams all the time. I'm used to it. You can tell me about it anytime you want. But were you slightly annoyed because of me, or because of your computer?

inuyashasora: Aye, aye captain!

Bloody Cross: Awesome. smiles

A LOST BATTLE

I walked into the house as my small friend waited patiently at my bedroom window.

_Youko: Why did you stop? We could have had him! Why did you stop? I demand you give me a reasonable answer Suuichi!_

I sighed as Youko's angry voice echoed off the walls of my mind.

_Suuichi: I stopped because I wanted to. Besides, you're older then him! It's like molesting a child! Compared to you, he's only a baby!_

The youko huffed in my mind and he mumbled mentally, _'Molesting a child. Where do you come up with these things? So what if the sexy little bastard is younger then me? Does it really matter to you that much?'_

I growled mentally and I said, _'Yes it does matter! I won't let **you** hurt him when **I'm** trying to heal him! I won't do it!'_

The youko began to laugh. His evil laugh that he saved just for me. I hated it when he mocked me.

_Youko: Oh yes you will. You'll do it. And you're going to like it just as much as I'm going to. Now, be a good little boy Suuichi, and give our guest a bath. And make sure you clean everything. Get you're hands dirty! _

And with that, the mental conversation was cut off. But I continued to shiver from the unrelenting laugh that continued to ring in my ears. I shook my head quickly a few times to try and clear out all of the hentai thoughts I was thinking about. So many things I could do to him…No! No. I can't think of things like that. Not if I'm trying to help him heal. Well, mentally and emotionally anyway. The physical things he does on his own. Speaking of physical things, I wonder…

I growled impatiently as small rain drops started to fall from the sky. I shifted my weight from foot to foot as I stared harshly into the dark room. "Come on you stupid, flirting, ecchi fox! I'm getting wet! What's taking so long?" The relatively large room burst with light as the kitsune stepped into his room, and he turned on the light. Impatiently, I tapped the heel of my right boot on the outside sill, and I started to rock from side to side. Finally, the dumb fox saw me, and he smiled and he walked over to the window and he opened it. Standing in my way, he asked, "May I help you?" I growled and I said, "Get out of my way fox. It's starting to rain. I'm getting wet." The half youko twirled a strand of his blood red and he said innocently, "Well, if you're going to talk to me that way…" my eyes narrowed and I growled between my clenched teeth, "May I come in…," I drew my eyes away from the fox, and I mumbled, "please". The kitsune titled his head out towards me, and he said, "What was that last part? I couldn't hear you." I growled again and I mumbled a bit louder, "Please." Kurama smiled and he said, "Why didn't you say so?" I sighed and I rolled my eyes and I stepped into the room as the fox stepped out of my way.

I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye, and I noticed that he was tense again. I raised an eye brow, but I eventually shrugged it off, and I turned around and I shut the window behind me. I sighed and I turned back around, but I bumped right into the towering half youko. I looked him up and down, before I stared into his eyes and I asked, "What?" The kitsune tensed more, and he set both of his large hands on my shoulders, and I glanced at both of them. I went back to staring back up at the taller demon, and I asked again, "What?" The youko shivered and he said, "Nothing. Just go and take a shower. I'll give you some dry clothes you can wear until those dry." I was getting ready to argue, but the fox put his index finger on my lips and he said, "Just let me dry them for you. Do me a favor?" I stared up at him over his hand and I raised an eye brow in reply. "Could you just act like a human? Just this once. That's all I really want from you tonight." I got a surprised look on my face, and I said, "Act like a human? How so? By letting you take care of me?" The fox blushed lightly and he nodded. I closed my eyes for a moment, to stay clam, and when I opened then, and I said, "Well, I've never acted like a human before. And you've always taken care of me in some way. Me acting like I always do, has never really stopped you before. My answer is no. It's just a regular ritual we perform. You take care of me, and I keep you some, in any at all, company. It's just a ritual." The taller demon's face fell, and he reached for my white scarf.

I followed his hand with my eyes, and I grasped his wrist in my hand when he went to pull the scarf off me. I stared at his wrist for a moment, before I

blinked and I gazed up at the fox. He seemed, puzzled. "I can undress myself fox. I don't need your help in that department," I said rather colder then I meant it to sound, and I stepped around the kitsune and I walked over to his bathroom. "Do you still remember how to work the shower?" he asked me. I sighed and I said, "Yes I remember." And I stalked quickly into the small bathroom, and I shut the door rather loudly behind me.

I gave a frustrated sigh as the youko in my head continued his **lovely **little chant.

_Youko: Just fuck him already! That's all we really want! I'm just waiting until you give in, and take him already! It's not like he'll really care one way or another!_

I gave a verbal frustrated cry and I pulled at my long hair. "Yes he will care! How many times do we have to go through this? I will not, repeat not, do your biding! Especially if it's about someone I care about! I won't do it, and you can't make me!" I yelled verbally to no one.

_Youko: But just think about it Suuichi. The poor little baby has probably been performing sexual favors ever since he was a child! One more added to his long list won't hurt. Or maybe two, if you let me drink some of that potion_

I tearlessly sobbed, and I let my legs buckle under me as I crashed to the floor on my knees. I grabbed my head and I shook it many times. "No, no, no, NO! I won't let you try to hurt him again! It isn't right demon! It isn't right." I let myself fall back to sit on my rear and I folded my legs up to my chest, and I rocked myself back and forth. I sniffled, but I knew that no tears had fallen from my eyes the whole time I had been yelling at myself. I shut my eyes tightly, and I tried to concentrate. I could feel the youko trying to take over the use of my bodily functions from the inside, but I wouldn't let him use me! Especially not when he wanted to use me to hurt Hiei.

I could feel my energy levels want to rise, and I felt my body slowly started to change. But I would not be able to completely change without the potion. I whimpered to myself as I felt myself grow dizzy. The demon's voice rang in my head, and I tried to block him out. He wanted me to hurt my best friend. And with me resisting him, it made him angry. I knew that if he had a choice, that he would kill me. Well, he'd rather kill me then share a body with me. And to top it all off, I was in control. All the time.

My power levels rose greatly again, and I felt all the plants in my room grow larger in size, and soon, they became more Makai resembling then they started out to be. I opened my eyes a bit, and my vision swam instantly. I whimpered again as I felt my body begin to change even more. His voice grew louder, and once he started talking to me, I knew that my battle with him was over. I had lost.

_Youko: It's simple Suuichi. Just go into the closet, find the potion bottle, and drink some._

My eyes opened totally, and we said in unison, "We'll make him ours together." I could fell my inner battle finally give way to Youko's biddings. I rose off from the floor, and I walked over to my closet. I kneeled down on my knees, and I began to rummage through the neat closet. I found the small purple box that I kept the bottle in, and I pulled in out from the closet.

I set the box on my lap, and I opened it. I could feel the demon inside me grow excited and I felt us reach down together, and grab the bottle. My eyes widened, as I saw, not my own arm reach for the cork, but Youko's. I felt myself gulp, and when the cork was off, I felt like it wasn't me that tipped the bottle back and it wasn't my mouth that filled up with the pinkish liquid. It wasn't me that swallowed the transforming potion. And instantly, not like all the other times before this one where it would take a few minutes for me to transform, I felt my green eyes close, and they didn't reopen. I was on the inside. I was in our joined mind. And I saw Youko look down at his arms, and he growled angrily.

He said physically, "I still have Suuichi's ningen body." He grabbed some of his hair, and sure enough, it was red. But I did see some silver marring with the red. I felt him reach up on top of his head, and pat down. His fox ears were present. And he had his tail as well. But it was marred with red hair along with silver. He growled unhappily, and he said, "The transformation isn't complete! It can't be completed. Damn it. The potion must be aging too much. K' so." I mentally asked him, 'Youko, please, I'm begging you. Please don't hurt…,' but I was cut off as a searing white hot pain assaulted my mind. I mentally screamed and I heard Youko's voice say, "I'm on the outside now little ningen boy. Whatever I do or say, is what I'm going to do. I will not listen to your petty pleading anymore." And I felt my mind swim with confusion, and I felt myself collapse under his assault.

A/n: See what happens next time! Please review! Ja!


	4. An Uncanny Shyness

I'm Losing Myself

Chapter 4: An Uncanny Shyness

A/n: Something you wouldn't expect. Or maybe you would have?

Warnings: OOC-ness, Oral, slight spank, slight shota.

Property of Hiei: I've seen others do things like that, mixing the two together. But, I think I did it differently. But, to those of you who don't like N/C, Suuichi is gone! But, if you like N/C to some extent, them you'll probably like this chapter. I'm just hoping that you are the only person who reviewed chapter three. When I had writing the chapter, that one took me awhile to write. _shrugs_ But oh well, I must please the "masses."

Nekosune: Tada!

inuyashasora: Well, I updated. Can I live? _laughs_ That was weak.

Creamator: yawns Sorry, early in the morn'…_tired from lack of sleep, but still says:_ Tada!

AN UNCANNY SHYNESS

I leaned against the shower wall as I thought about why Kurama had been so tense around me. He isn't normally that tense around me. I tapped my index finger against my chin, and I hummed to myself. 'Could it be that he doesn't enjoy my silent company anymore?' I shook my head and I thought to myself, 'No. That can't be it. He's always enjoyed my company. More so then any "normal" person would.' I huffed and I thought, 'Maybe he's tense because he thinks that I haven't forgiven him about that whole almost rape thing. But I already told him that I had forgiven him. That I had no regrets. But in reality I was really happy when the potion wore off and Suuichi stopped his inner demon side. But he avoided me forever. Even not wanting to be in the same room as me. Or not wanting to be anywhere near me.' I nodded to myself as I said, "That could be it. But he already knows that I forgave him. That just doesn't make any sense."

My eyes shot up from their locked position on the shower floor when there was a dramatic increase in youki. My eye brows connected, and I mumbled to myself, "Nani?" The bathroom door burst open with a loud bang, and I tried to keep myself from making a sound. I already knew who it was. Youko. Somehow, he was here. And with Suuichi no where insight. I gulped, and yelped surprised, startlingly loudly when the youko pulled back the shower curtain. I shut my eyes tightly and I turned my head away from where I knew the youko was standing. I heard the soft movement of cloth being rustled as he began to remove his clothes. I shuttered violently as a tall, warm body was pressed against mine.

"Hiei." I cracked open an eye when my attention was requested. I looked the youko up and down, but it didn't make sense. He still looked more like Suuichi then he did a **real **kitsune. He still had the ningen's red hair, and he still had the same height. The only real difference was that the voice was deeper, there was silver hair that was tangled in with the red locks, and he had ears and a tail. But even the tail was marred with red hair. But I knew that that wasn't Suuichi. This was the 100 percent cruel youko that had tried to rape me almost right after the Ankoku Bujutsukai. It had been a rainy night, kinda like this one, and I had asked if I could stay with him. He agreed, and later that night, I had awakened to the tall kitsune stripping me of my clothes, and getting ready to prepare me for entrance. But, thankfully, Suuichi had stopped the youko right in the nick of time. I had almost been raped that night. I didn't talk to the fox for about a month or two. But when we had finally come around to talking again, I don't think I've ever seen the fox come closer to crying then he did that night. I mentally smirked to myself. That night, we had slept in the same bed, and we held each other all night long. And in the morning, I walked him to school, and in the evening, I walked him home.

I shook my head, to clear it, and I came back to reality. I frowned when I stared at the glowing youko, and I said, "What do you want?" I instantly knew that what I had asked was not the smartest thing to ask him. Just in the way I had asked it. Just as I had predicted, the kitsune stepped up impossibly closer to me, and kneeled down in front of me to almost match my height he said, "Now that's a silly question, don't you think?" The fox enveloped me in an embrace with his arms curling up under my arms and his finger threading through my hair. I gulped and nodded stupidly.

The kitsune smiled, his face a mere inches from mine, while he pleasantly hissed out at my face, "You're very attractive. You do know that right?" I didn't say or do anything in response. I gulped again and I tried to turn my head away as the fox licked up my chin to my lips. I titled my head back to try and escape the fox, but his fingers in my hair pulled on the black locks; I winced as I felt some disconnect from my head. I winced as the youko gave my head another good tug from my hair, and I obediently titled my head back down levelly. The kitsune smiled at me, and he said, "Good boy. Now," and he paused to release me from his hold, and he tried to force me to turn around and he said, "Let me help you wash." I whimpered to myself as flashbacks from my childhood flashed in my mind's eye as the fox caressed the soft skin on my back.

I whimpered again as a soft and soapy wash cloth gently ran the height of my back, and down to my rear. I tried to move away from the kitsune, but he harshly smacked my butt with the palm of his hand and he said warningly, "Don't move." I whimpered and nodded as he spread the soft cloth on the cheeks of my rear, and he slid the soapy cloth between them. I moaned slightly as the material gently rubbed against my anus. I could feel the fox smile behind me as he asked, "Did you like that?" I moaned again as he rubbed my skin a bit rougher, and I nodded my head. The youko chuckled a bit, and he said, "Turn around." I obeyed his command and I turned around to face him.

I braced myself against the wall, as my eyes followed the youko's hands. They both teasingly trailed up my stomach to my chest where he gently began to rub the wash cloth over my chest. I could feel my knees want to buckle as he tauntingly avoided my nipples. I had never been touched this gently before. It was all new to me. I had never felt…almost loved. The way the fox seemed to cradle me against the wall seemed, to me, almost…loving. I moaned again as the kitsune splashed some water on me. I turned my head away as I felt a great heat rise up into my cheeks. The fox chuckled again, and he said mockingly, "Oh little one, you're blushing." I gulped as I felt his hands, uncovered, rub the skin on my chest. My blush grew even hotter as I turned my head away so that he wouldn't see the burning red on my face. I moaned as his finger tips teasingly pinched one of the small rock hard pebbles on my chest.

I moaned even louder as his mouth replaced his hands and the fox began sucking harshly. I winced as my mind gave way to the pleasure and pain; I stopped thinking about resistance. I tried to lock my knees as I felt them quiver under me. I held myself up, but only barely, as the youko moved his mouth down from my chest to my stomach where he teased my flesh. I whimpered as I felt some of his not yet wet hair brush against my erection and I moaned louder. The fox looked up at me, but he just smiled and returned his mouth to where it was; sucking and nipping at my flesh to leave small marks that would still be there tomorrow morning.

Youko finally reached my navel after all of his teasing and taunting and he circled the skin around the edge of it. I groaned as he hesitantly dipped his tongue in, yet he quickly pulled back out. I flung my head back and I almost screamed as he did this quite a few times. Teasing me. I allowed my hands to vainly claw at the slick wall behind me as I tried to fight my body's response to the gentle touch of the fox demon. I whimpered as he pinched my inner right thigh as I tried to shuffle away from his mouth. He roughly grabbed my hips and he dug his claws into them. I yelped and flinched as he said, "I told you. Don't move." I nodded as I tried to stay as still as possible. But with me in my condition, staying still was better said then done.

I moaned again as the fox bent down on his knees even more to gently leave a trail of kisses from the base of my erection to the tip. I whimpered as more flashes from my childhood burned my eyes as I shut them lightly; not wanting to watch. But I couldn't stay silent because I almost let out a scream as the kitsune took the very tip of my cock into his mouth and he gave a small suck. I could feel violated tears burn my eyes as the fox teased me as he withdrew from me, and he harshly nipped and bit at my thighs. The skin there tore and small trails of blood streamed down my legs. I leaned heavily against the wall, and I tried to look for anything that I could hold onto.

Sadly, I didn't find anything that would aid me in my struggle to stay on my feet, so I tried to continue to stand. The kitsune came back up and he grabbed my neck, but he didn't apply any pressure to it, and he whispered hotly in my ear, "Turn back around and let me get to your pretty little ass." I yelled out a struggle as I tried to make a run for it, but as I pushed myself off of the wall, the fox roughly grabbed me and he shoved me back against the wall. He growled at me and he said, "Listen you little brat, you're mine. All the marks on your pretty little body define that now. So don't you ever try to pull a stunt like that again. Do you understand?" I didn't say anything as I went into my own little shock. Marked? He had marked me? I stared at all the small bite marks on my stomach and chest. And the blood that was draining down the drain near the bath handles.

I began to shake as I felt my freedom being mentally sucked from me. I finally allowed my knees to buckle, and I slowly slid down the shower wall. As I gently landed on my bottom, I stared into space. I had been abused and raped before, but…never tamed in a way such as this. I blinked as burning tears quickly refilled my eyes. I sniffed as Youko tilted my head up with his hand under my chin to force me to look up into his golden eyes. Those eyes just didn't look right on the ningen body he wore. Those eyes were supposed to be guarded, deep, emerald eyes. Eyes that, if I let myself, I could get lost in forever. The ningen body that possessed the deep green eyes was someone I knew. This…**creature** kneeling before me was a monster that I wanted nothing to do with.

The fox smiled a secret smile as he took his hand away from my chin. A cupping hand warmed my neck as the kitsune forced my head to come closer to his aroused erection. I whined in my throat as the tip wetly touched my lips. I gulped audibly as he pushed forwards a bit. "Terrible things like this must have happened to you when you were a child, ne?" I gulped again and slowly nodded. Wary of the organ awaiting me for entrance. The hand on my neck crawled up to grip my hair in a strong grasp. Youko chuckled above me as he said mockingly, "Now, don't act like a child Hi-chan! I know you're not one. Now, be a good boy for me and open your mouth." I stared up at him from under my bangs as I tried to give him a glare. But his smile just grew and his fingers tightened even more in my hair. "Don't make me force you to. We wouldn't want that, now would we?" he asked me. I upturned my head to try and pathetically beg him with my eyes not to force me to do this. This is what always happened when I was a child. I was always forced to do…**things** for others. Special favors that would only be returned when that person went away and left me alone.

But Youko ignored my pathetic pleading as he grasped my jaw in a crushing hand and forced my mouth to open. I began a fruitless and in vain struggle to try and crawl away from the golden monster, but he quickly pushed his awaiting erection into my mouth. Far enough to make to tip rub on the back of my throat and make me gag. The other youkai grabbed my hands to place them on his hips. He masterly petted my hair as he said, "Please do me this favor my little helper. You never know, maybe I'll repay you if you do a good job." I whimpered and whined in my throat as I tried to accommodate the organ in my mouth, around my teeth, but not so that **it** touched my throat. I had learned quickly that you did not want to try and be rebellious to someone that clearly had an advantage over you, by biting whatever they put in your mouth. Whether it be finger, and tongue, or a dick. It didn't matter. I had been beaten quite a few times for doing that. Eventually, I stopped resisting my dominator, and I just let them use me as they pleased. Though, I never went looking for someone to roll around with.

The tears flowed and hardened as Youko pressed both of his hands onto my cranium as he tried to shove his erection down my throat. Some pre-cum seeped down my throat, and I began to gag and cough. I roughly pulled away and began to cough and sputter with greater enthusiasm. I was shocked when the kitsune roughly grabbed my head again and forced himself back into my mouth. He grunted to himself and hissed out, "Swallow what I give you, okay pretty baby?" I loathed being called a baby by anyone, but at that moment, I couldn't do anything about it. I opened mouthed whined and whimpered as the flow of the white seed began to grow thicker and fast as the fox loudly came on the back of my throat. I tried at one to pull away, but the fox kept my head right where it was. "Swallow it," he said with a demanding voice. My eyes shuttered violently as I began to hesitantly swallow the white pool that was in my mouth.

The white substance was bitter and disgusting on my tongue as I finally downed it all. "Finished?" the one above me asked as if I were a child. I nodded a little, and Youko released me. I opened my eyes, but closed them again as I felt a blush of shame rise up on my cheeks. Youko chuckled and quickly pulled me up to my feet. With my eyes closed, I whimpered as he licked at one of the cuts on my neck. "There's no way you can go on without me, is there?" It wasn't really a question. He wanted me to admit that I was his bitch and that without him I would just be passed to some other demon waiting to get some. The half changed fox pulled me into a forced embrace as he mockingly comforted me. He stroked my wet hair and said "soothingly", "Oh, don't fret baby. I won't let you go. You're my musical birdie. There's not another bird out there that's I rather keep in a cage." The word "cage" stabbed me deep in my chest as I rested my covered forehead on his shoulder. I whimpered and wrapped my arms around his neck; knowing what was going to come soon.

Youko slid down to his knees as he sat me down in his lap. I could feel the bulge of the kitsune's erection cook up again and it began to prod me. I winced as the fox lifted me up by my hips, and slowly push into me. I closed my eyes tightly, and I rested on Youko's shoulder. We sat there for a client moment. Not moving or saying anything. Without asking if I was ready, the fox soon began to push up more. I whimpered as he drove farther into me, and with nothing to ease his passing into me, I could soon feel some blood begin to trickle out of me.

I gulped as Youko bent over to lay me down on the bottom of the shower floor. He lifted my legs over his shoulders, and pushed up even farther. I turned my head to the side to stare at the white tub wall as Youko pulled back and slammed into me with a grunt. I made small noises in my throat every time his thrusts would bounce me forward. I lifted an arm to cover my face and eyes as the weak tears came back to life. I didn't want to give the youko the pleasure of seeing me finally give into him. Seeing me sur…surrender. Surrender to…him. To his manipulation.

The fox's cries of pleasure grew louder steadily as he finally let go of his self control and self guard. I peered at him, my eyes clouded by tears, as he threw his head back and gave a cry as he again emptied his seed into my body. First by mouth, second by my bottom. The huriseki stone pile around my face grew and I shifted my head farther away from his eyes as he pulled out. I sniffed as the fox forcefully spread my legs with warm palms on my inner thighs and lied himself between them. The youko picked my shoulders up a bit to nibble on my shoulder and neck. I tiled my head farther to the side to allow him what he wanted. The sooner he was done with me, the sooner he would finally throw me out into the rain and leave me to myself.

The fox bit down harder and began to lap at the blood he got. Dreamily, I wrapped my arms around the fox's shoulders. As more energy was sapped from me, I fell into a dream. A fantasy that I had often. It was a strange dream I frequently hand. I was always lying onto of a strong chest as long, gentle fingers threaded through my hair. They caressed my neck, and comforted me from something invisible that had sunk its claws into me. This person always seemed to ease the pain of those claws. The claws that I had searched all over my body for, but I found none.

The wind blew softly, but it did not disturb myself, or the man that I lay atop of. His wonderful hands ran comforting through my hair as we sat in silence. Just enjoying each others company and closeness. I hummed to myself as I snuggled deeper into the man's chest. Deeply inhaling his wonderful, yet mysterious scent. I could never quite grasp what it was, but I always loved smelling him. He had that…peaceful smell about him. Taking his hands out of my hair, the male beneath me tightly wrapped his arms around me to stroke my back.

I scooted farther up his body to hide my glowing, happy smile in his neck. His hair fell around my head, and I stroked the locks carefully. The man beneath me sat up a bit, and crushed me to him with an arm wrapped around to slightly dig his finger nails into my bare shoulder. While his other arms wrapped around so that his warm palm pressed into the side of my stomach. I pulled my legs up to let him pull his long legs up too, as I sat in his lap. I wrapped my arms around neck and I tilted my head back to let the man bury his face into my neck. I was unafraid of him biting me to try and kill me or marking me.

The taller man shuttered as another cool breeze came out way. The sun was about to set. I hummed to myself as the man lovingly kissed and licked my neck. Everything he did to me was filled with love and a guarantee that no harm would ever com to me while I was wrapped in his loving arms. I tried to get closer to him as the sky became darker. I didn't want our time together to end. I loved the time that I spent with him. I never wanted it to end. We spoke no words as the sun finally disappeared behind the horizon.

I whimpered to myself as the man unraveled his arms that were around me. He picked my off him and sat me back down on the ground. I watched him, a hollowed out feeling digging into my chest, as he began to walk away. I watched the long hair that followed his swaying hips as he disappeared into darkness. I closed my eyes as his wonderfully light disappeared. I lied back down on the ground. His body warmth was quickly leaving the ground on which he sat, and I curled up into a ball where he had been not even a minute ago. Lonely and heartbreaking tears ran down my face as I curled myself into a tighter ball. I sniffed like a lost child as the darkness of nothing consumed me and caged me in a cage of gold.

A/n: Tada! Please review! Ja!


	5. Broken Trust

I'm Losing Myself

Chapter 5: Broken Trust

A/n: Thank you carla so much! This idea totally came from you. And I liked the sound of it. hehehe! I'm really sorry that it took this long! I had a whole lot, and I'm not talkin' novelty whole lot, I'm talkin fat ASS whole lot, of stuff wrong with my computer, and I was determined to fix everything **before** I posted again. Sorry!

Btw, I know that, in the last chapter, there were an ass load of mistakes. I apologize for this, because I don't have a beta. I beta my own stories. If you find anymore mistakes that, somehow, I didn't catch, please try to go on without them and continue reading. Also, don't flame me because of my spelling mistakes that the computer, nor I catch. Everyone makes mistakes. bug eyes the empty crowd points Even you!

Warnings: N/C, slight vine rape, Bondage, Anal, major OOC-ness (from both parties), and slight WAFF. Not much though.

Nekosune: grins I just **love** angst. Don't you? stares at cookie, hungrily I need to eat somethin'….grins at cookie Oh well, no one will miss the little guy! No, that whole chapter was a dream of Suuichi's. It was just a kind of foreshadowing I tried to do, that's all.

Property of Hiei: Yea, lots of people keep tellin' me that. The whole "good feelin' presence" thing was a dream. He was dreamin'. grins But that's okay that you're confused. Most get that way with the whole dreamy thingy. As long as you liked it, and other people thought that it was okay, that's all that matters, ne?

Merry MeetBlessed Be: No, the last part of that chapter was a dream. Sorry if I didn't make that clear. I tried. But honestly, I think I totally through our favorite little bishie pulls self away from computer to snuggle her plushie out of character. I've always done that, somehow. shrugs but hell, if you think that he's in character, then that's good enough for me! smiles Arigatou!

Ilikeyaoi: Ya know, there was another person that read this story, and she didn't like it, but she didn't hate it. Actually, she read it all the way through. She called herself a masochist because she said it hurt her to read the story. shrugs But oh well. I'll keep updating!

Jasmemini: grins like crazy Now look what you've done! face turns red Now I'll be acting all hot headed today. Wait, when is there a day when I don't act like that? giggles That's so cool that you love angst. You can never have too much of a good thing, ne? Thank you!

BrokenInside: sighs heavily I'm sorry, it's just that I kinda like to hurt him. Gomen. But, as long as you think that the story is somewhat good, then that's alright with me.

Trans: Don't ya just love the angst? I know I do! There's more angst in this chapter. I'm not done with my torture lightning flashes in the background while authoress laughs evilly Next chapter, there'll be even **more** angst. Can you tell that I'm obsessed yet?

Poor little bunny. May Inari-sama have mercy upon your sweet little ass. laughs evilly Yea right. Some of us, even though we love the little bishie, sometimes like to see him get hurt. raises hand Like me! stares at carla Put your hand up too! grabs carla's hand and puts it up in the air There! Ya see? I have support!

BROKEN TRUST

The light feeling that had run throughout my body slipped from my grasp as I began to awaken. I tentatively opened my eyes to see that I was lying face down on a bed. I tried to move my arms and legs, but they felt bound; as though my limbs were being restrained for fear of me trying to escape. But I felt too physically weak to begin to try any means of escape. I felt as though my spirit had been bound by the same "chains" that my limbs had too. I felt anchored down to some invisible wall. I didn't really feel like escaping even if I had had the energy to do so.

I childishly whined in my throat as my shifting slightly disturbed the small cuts on my thighs. I tried to turn my body over to lie on my back, but I soon felt weak again as I tried to roll over. Whatever was wrapped around my legs and arms sprang to life as I moved just a bit too much. The bindings tightened and loosened as if they were pulsing. Something like a heartbeat. But it was a slow, teasing change in grasp. It didn't hurt, but it was starting to get annoying.

I yelped as one of my bindings began to crawl up my body. It was slick and I shivered violently as it caressed my inner thighs with a strange gentleness. I shook my head in an attempt to try and stop shivering, but I couldn't help myself let out a helpless moan as the slick object began searching between my cheeks for something. I already knew what it was searching for. I tried to close my legs in vain as it grew uncomfortably close to its target.

I mewled as my attempts to protect my already injured passageway failed as the object found my entrance. It began to push in with a new eagerness and I threw my head back as pain shot up my spine. I had already been injured there. This **thing **that was trying to get inside me wasn't helping the healing process that my body was going through. But it didn't listen to my logic as it pushed in more, and got through the tight ring of muscle that was vainly trying to protect me.

Suddenly, the weight shifted on the bed. I was alarmed by this change in my surroundings. A clawed hand began to stroke my hair like I was a house pet, and someone began to chuckle behind me.

"You look **so **pretty all tied up like this Hiei," more chuckling and mocking. An attempt at a humiliating question was asked. Though, it didn't demand a reply. "Are you a Christmas 1 present for me? Maybe I should open you now." My face grew red with the humiliation as the kitsune ran his hands down my back to my rear. Whatever was inside me, Youko griped it roughly in his hand and yanked it out. My eyes widened impossibly farther and I arched my back as I let out an ear piercing scream. I heard Youko begin to laugh behind me as I shut my eyes tightly as the pain began to slowly subside.

The sadistic youkai bent over me to pet my hair again as he said, satisfied, "I would have thought that **you**, of all people, would know better than to scream in pain for your superior. But, I guess I was right.You **are** just a loud, common whore." Then, without any censorship, he began to laugh. If I hadn't been shaking on the bed in pain, I probably could have sworn that he was also yelling vulgar things at me in between his breathing and laughing.

The youko's laughing finally ended and he hoisted my butt into the air for easy access with he said in a scornful parenting voice, "Well Hiei, if you're going to **act** like a whore, then I might as well **treat** you like one." I kept my eyes closed as the youko laughed his cruel laugh. By then, I had thought that I had been humiliated **enough!** But no! He just and to add in that cute little whore comment. If he had truly known me and been through all that I had been through, he would see that I was just trying to make him hurry up.

My eyes began to shutter violently as the youko began another assault on my body. The very tip of his erection brushed at my entrance as he spread my cheeks with his thumbs. I sank my teeth into the pillow that I had my face smashed into it to hide the embarrassed blush on it. Youko began to push in slowly, teasingly. I lifted my head up a bit to shout at him, "Just do it!" Youko stopped pushing in and he asked me, still relishing in a mocking tone, "What was that?" I blinked back the tears of pain and shame as I repeated in a quieter voice, "Just do it. Get it over with." I lowered my head and turned it to the side so that he could still hear me, "Just take me already. I know it's all you want from me." Youko began to chuckle again and he said while petting my hair, "Omae wa ore no zoku suru 2." My eyes flashed open as I turned my head back to the side to stare at the grinning youko, wide eyed.

"N…nani?" I stuttered out. The fox's grin grew larger and he repeated, "Omae wa ore no zoku suru." He reached forward to grip some of my hair in a fist and he pulled my head back. He pulled me far enough to make me arch my back and he whispered into my ear with hot breath, "Say it. I want you to submit to me." He licked the shell of my ear and told me, "Tell me that you belong to me." I whimpered and I shook my head. Youko hummed to himself and pulled me farther back. By now my back was beginning to hurt from all of the tugging and racking he had done on it. I yelped out in pain as he finally stopped pulling back on my hair. "Say it," he growled out into my ear. I gulped and I stuttered out, "B…boku wa kimi no z…zoku s…suru. 3" Youko clentched his fist tighter in my hair and he asked, "What was that? I couldn't hear you." He pushed his hips forwards to push into me farther and I yelled out, "I belong to you!" I saw Youko smile out of the corner of my eye and he said with fake love cracking through his voice, "That's right **my** little youkai," he pushed in all the way as far as he could go and said, "you **are** mine."

He let go of my hair and pulled almost all of the way out, and shoved back in. My jaw dropped open in a voiceless scream as youko pounded into me without mercy. My eyes closed as I arched my already paining back as he gripped my hips in his crushing palms and brought them up to meet his thrusts. The binds on my arms and legs held fast as I tried to pull my arms back to try and stop Youko as his skin rubbed my walls raw. Some of the pre-cum, that I knew would soon turn into a full blow organism, burned my inner passageway. I had stopped shedding tears a long time ago, but it was growing increasingly difficult to keep myself from crying into Suuichi's pillow.

I inhaled sharply as Youko finally gave me some pleasure through all of my pain as he changed angle thrusts and nailed my prostate. My eye lids shuttered viciously as I opened my mouth to cry out my release. Through all of Youko's sadistic teasing and rough sex, I had never figured out **how** in the world I had gotten an erection. But I had developed one and I came as Youko bent over me to just shortly bump into me. "You're face looked so beautiful when you came. For a moment, I almost thought that you had been **enjoying** our sweet mating. But by the look of shame in your beautiful eyes, I must have thought wrong." He shrugged and continued on with pushing long thrusts into me. I bent my head low as Youko straightened up and continued to slam into me until he loudly came.

Youko reached under me and slowly dug his claws into my inner thighs. My shut eyes lids shuttered as he spread the red blood around on my legs down to my knees. I whimpered as he bent back over me to gnaw on my shoulders and neck. I turned my head to the right as Youko put most of his weight on top of me and moaned in my ear. His weight was heavy on me, but I didn't ask him to lift his body off me. The kitsune removed his hands from my hips to wrap them around my neck. The bindings on my arms and legs followed us as Youko pulled me up to sit in his lap; without pulling out of me. The fox nuzzled the side of my neck and whispered in my ear, "There. I've completed you little demon." The fox unwrapped his right arm from around my neck and brought it down to caress my chest and stomach. I winced as his hands touched the small cuts on my torso.

I winced a second time when his seed pitilessly burned the raw skin inside me. Youko pushed me off of him and flipped me over to pin my shoulder into the mattress. The panting youko lied himself between my open legs as he rested his head on my chest. His hands on my shoulders clenched suddenly and he dug his nails into my skin. I didn't make a sound as the fox lifted himself off me and leaned over to sweetly kiss me. To exhausted to resist him, I parted my lips and my teeth to let his warm tongue in to lap at my own. I cracked open my eyes as the other youkai pulled away from me to lick at my still kiss bruised lips. He nuzzled my face with his nose and said in a lighter voice, "I love you, little one." Suuichi's voice. He was beginning to change back.

I stared at the slowly transforming kitsune as the silver in his hair began darkening back to red. The ears grew back into his head and human ears replaced them. The tail also slowly disappeared. I sighed and lied my head back on the pillows as the now redhead fainted on my chest, and between my legs from the transformation. I winced as his full ningen weight rested on me and Suuichi's breathing evened out. He fell asleep on me like that. I titled my head back and I let the violated tears finally flow. I was finally alone. The way I had always wanted to be.

A/n: I think this is the longest "love" scene I've ever written. It took FOREVER! Well, it felt like forever. In length wise, it's not very long. Only like some odd number of pages. I usually do my chapters by pages. Usually. But I think that this chapter was only like…thinks Three pages? Maybe four at the most. It depends on which format ya use. If I use Print Layout, I get six pages. But with Web Layout, I only have three. That's weird. Just plain weird.

1: I know that the Japanese don't have the national holiday of Christmas. I thought that saying that would just add to the angst. I love angst.

2: "You belong to me."

3: "I belong to you."

Please review! Ja!


	6. Don’t Leave

I'm Losing Myself

Chapter 6: Don't Leave

A/n: Alright. I'll continue. No spoilers for you! Now, moving on!

Warnings: Major OOC-ness. (beware the fanon! No really, beware. Fanon leaves a nasty bite _laughs_)

Jasmemini: Heaven forbid that any day be a **normal** day. But yea, I strive to put any character out of character. I'm really bad at keeping everyone in character. _cries_ I just love destroying the characters and then remaking them.

Animebishieluver: Can we say, "Bishonen Angst Waves" boys and girls? I think we can manage. I just love hurtin' everyone….it's addictive. _sniffles_

Rave Slave: _grins_ Trust me…you're **not** alone!

Nekosune: Cookies! I love cookies. I'll live till my next update now! Writing food. It's a need. Not a want! Btw, happy spring break! Mine passed already…_cries_ But oh well. There's always summer vacation…_evol laugh_ Grandma's gotta work up some annoyance tolerance for me. I swear that I'll be the death of her. On accident. _evol laugh again while lightning flashes in background_

Blackfox999: Finally someone else that likes the little fire baby getting hurt! _cries_ I thought I was the only one! But here. Here's an update for ya!

DON'T LEAVE

The calm breathing of one of the two occupants of the dawn lit room quickened faintly as he awoke. Vivid green eyes fluttered open as Kurama awoke the morning after he gave into his other half's wishes. He blinked a few times before sighing and trying to snuggle back into the warmth lying next to him. His head felt fuzzy. And he didn't know what happened the night before. Hell, he didn't even know **where** he was. A familiar scent made the fox shiver. It was the scent of a favored hi-youkai of his. But to Kurama, it shouldn't have been that fresh **or** that close. The kitsune, with some difficulty, titled his head down to stare at a wild bush of black and blue hair. It puzzled Kurama of why Hiei would be **that** close to him. But in his head he told himself that he didn't care and just tried to keep still. As to not stir the young demon.

But it was already too late. The petite demon had already begun to awaken with Kurama's moving. The hi-youkai groaned deep in his throat. He didn't want to wake up yet. Just when he thought the pain would fully subside and he could just sleep. Even though he was already awake, Hiei was determined to keep his eyes closed and try to fall back asleep. He didn't feel like facing his youko companion just yet. So, the minute youkai just pressed his face into a slowly raising and falling chest. The thick scent of roses and a fox made the young youkai wiggle his nose and sniffle a few times, before settling back down. But not falling back asleep as he had wanted to do.

Kurama's breathing hitched as more signs that his youkai friend had awaken. He didn't know what to say. He felt that if he said anything at all, that it might scare the breathtaking treasure nestled against his chest away. He never wanted Hiei to leave him now. He felt…closer to the young demon some how. He felt more attached to something then he had ever been before. It almost frightened the fox. He could easily feel the new, stronger protectiveness he held for his partner. Kurama sighed and buried his nose in the wild hair that tickled him under his chin. He never imagined that he would ever be **this** close to his beloved. Physically, anyway.

Hiei held his breath as he felt the person lying next to him sigh. He had wanted to try and sneak away from the redhead. But now that he felt the once slow and steady breathing quicken, the small youkai knew that his partner was awake too. He gulped as he tried to act as though he were still sleeping, but he had the vague feeling that Kurama already knew that he was awake. The younger demon closed his eyes and tried to control his quickening breath, but the closeness of his fox friend and their mixed scents made him nervous. He clearly remembered what happened last night. But did Kurama?

Kurama grew confused when the uneven breathing of his demon friend started to slow down and even out again. Kurama grew calm at the knowledge that his friend was falling back asleep. He too didn't feel like facing his partner. The ningen sighed again and tightened his hold on the small youkai. It was, as the fox noticed, a **very** protective embrace. Kurama knew that his imagination and paranoia were clouding his judgment, but the half ningen boy felt that if he ever let his embrace loosen, his friend would either be taken away from him, or the little youkai would make a run for it. Kurama wanted neither to happen. If the half youko could have made time stop just then, in that peaceful moment, he would have done so. Just to be with Hiei forever.

Hiei, on the other hand, wanted to disappear without a trace. He felt nervous and trapped in the tight embrace of his friend. It wasn't **meant** to be a binding hug, but to the nervous and fidgety youkai, an embrace **that** tight couldn't have been anything **but** binding. Though Hiei wanted to get away, he wouldn't dare take the risk of moving to do so, if that meant disturbing Kurama. He didn't really feel like dealing with a clingy youko right then. The youkai sighed as well when warm hands slowly ran up and down his back. Again, he didn't risk showing signs of being awake, so he only tensed a little.

Kurama's brow furrowed when his small, warm friend tensed as he ran his hands up and down the small back. Maybe Hiei **was **awake. Just hiding it. A small smile lit across the human's face as he lightened the pressure of his hands on the small youkai's back. Kurama smiled, satisfied, while he ran only his finger tips up and down his friend's shivering back. The smile widened when he felt the youkai try to shy away from the extremely light touch. Kurama knew that he was being a great tease, but it amused him how Hiei reacted.

Hiei, desperate at the time, wanted **so** badly to shove the teasing fox away. He was well aware of the goose flesh that was blooming across his arms and legs. He was **also** aware of the darkening blush that spread across the bridge of his nose and cheeks. The young demon resisted the urge to growl as the teasing youko's finger prodded to his lower back. Hiei bit his bottom lip to help silence himself. 'I will **not** scream **or** moan. I will **not** let him know I'm awake,' the fidgety youkai thought. Resisting to squirm against the tall youko, the koorime boy held his breath as the kitsune's hand relinquished it's teasing travel downwards and ventured up to the nervous youkai's ear.

Kurama sighed a wanting sigh as he stopped teasing Hiei's back to toy with a small, soft ear. Why he relented, Kurama didn't know. He just felt…awkward with touching the small youkai any lower. With the demon child nestled against his chest, the fox just thought it wrong to take advantage of him. The greened eyed human smiled down at the wild black hair, and leaned his head further down to nuzzle it. Kurama breathed in the strong, but not overpowering, scent of his best friend. He loved the scent of ash and pine. Even addicted to it perhaps.

"Hiei…why do you do these things to me," the half youko mumbled. Hiei had finally let out the breath he had been holding. He was still nervous, but the nervousness dimmed slightly when Kurama spoke. The child didn't really understand **what** he had done to the older youkai. He just ignored what had been said and swatted at the playful hand that toyed with his ear; finally finding it annoying.

Kurama gasped when Hiei swatted at him. Had the youkai been awake? Had he felt…Kurama shook his head a few times and reasoned with himself that he had just annoying the youkai. The kitsune eyed the black top of fur just under his nose. He sighed again and tightened his hold on his youkai friend. The half human narrowed his eyes at his bedroom door. Feeling that if anything walked through that door, if their harmonious silence was disturbed, that he would awaken to find that he was alone. With the fear of being alone filling his heart and thoughts, Kurama closed his eyes and buried his face into the soft fur under his nose. Rigidly, the human boy whimpered out, "Please Hiei…don't **ever** leave me. Never."

Hiei kept quite as his companion became rigid and tense against him. He didn't know what to say. Even if he wanted to say something, he still wouldn't have known what to say. Never leaving something or someone…frightened the demon. He and never been bound to anything but himself and his few quests. To become stronger and to protect Yukina. Those two things were the only things he had ever bound himself to. The only things he had offered to be committing to. He didn't have to be there for anyone. To be strong for someone else. It just wasn't something he ever had to do. Something he'd never really wanted to do. The foreign thoughts of supporting someone and, more then likely, being trapped made the koorime nervous and unwilling to lie still for any longer.

Kurama opened his eyes slowly and groggily as his half koorime against him began to squirm. The redhead peeled himself away from the warm body lying next to him as he mumbled, "Are you awake, Hiei?" The small body next to him tensed a bit before timid red eyes up turned to bare holes in the human. Kurama held the gaze strongly before his friend forfeited the staring contest and shut his eyes quietly. The taller male fully pulled away from the koorime boy and watched him silently. Different expressions crossed over the small demon's face before calm red eyes reopened to stare at the sheets on the bed. Kurama was puzzled somehow. He didn't know how to react to that little moment.

Hiei was at a lost. He didn't know whether to run, or to stay and "fight" it out. He didn't **really** want to fight, but he did want some answers from the fox. Was he just playing dumb, or was there something else working at hand? It didn't matter to the koorime half ling. All he wanted to do was to just get away from the possessiveness he felt purely radiating from the kitsune. Run away from it, hide from it, or destroy it if that's what it took! Anything to stop the odd feeling in his stomach. At that point, Hiei was willing to do anything to make the foreign emotion stop.

Kurama reached over, with a cautious hand, to tilt his friend's face up. He stared into the youkai's blood red eyes as he asked strongly, "Why are you afraid?" A mix of anger, shock, embarrassment, and finally fright passed over the jaganshi's face. The frightened look though, Kurama thought, made his eyes look even more majestic. The frightened glow in Hiei's eyes lasted the longest of the other emotions and Kurama asked again, "Just answer me. It's alright that you're afraid. Just tell me why." Hiei shook his head a few times in a negative. Kurama's brow furrowed and he persisted, "Why won't you tell me then?" Silence filled the room following the question.

Hiei gulped once before he mumbled, "I…I can't tell you." He looked down and away from the fox's fierce gaze. He knew what those eyes were capable of. The emerald seas could see right through all of his masks. All of his defenses torn down and treated like garbage; all because of a pair of green eyes that could see into anyone's soul. The koorime boy shivered when a soft and careful hand rubbed at his back. He winced when the kitsune sat up, and pulled him into a crushing hug. In doing so, the sheets slipped off of both of them and their naked forms were revealed to one another's eyes.

Kurama didn't make a sound when his eyes found the purple and blue bruises that covered Hiei's back. Thin, but not very deep cuts, covered the koorime's hips and upper back near his shoulders. The fox ran a hand over five crescent moon puncture marks on Hiei's lower back and was saddened when the short youkai quivered in his hold. It hadn't slipped the fox's mind that, he too, wore no clothes. His worst fears bubbled to the top of his mind as his eyes found the two bite marks on his friend's shoulder and neck. Both on the left side of the koorime's body. One on his shoulder, and another on his neck. Both had already started to heal, but they would leave scars. The fox ran the back of his right hand over the marks, and was again displeased when his friend shuttered against him. "Tell me what happened last night," the fox demanded.

The koorime boy winced when his fox friend ran a hand over the marks he himself had inflicted. The question was asked, but he didn't want to answer. Didn't Kurama know? He was the one that had caused the problems last night. Hiei rested his cheek on the fox's shoulder as he said, ashamed, "Youko paid me a visit while you ditched me." That was the closest thing the younger youkai could come to saying that he had been raped by a being that, technically, didn't exist. The demon child was ashamed to admit that he had been emotionally overpowered by Youko. The pervious night, somehow, the fright that the koorime had felt over powered his physical reaction to fight against an enemy. He was ashamed to admit being submissive to Youko. The pervious night, he had been someone's bitch. Someone's ride. Hiei didn't want to go through with the turmoil again.

Kurama didn't know what to say. The message was clearer then his bedroom window, but it just didn't compute with his feelings. It confused the half youko and, for once, he didn't know what to do about it. An odd, yet familiar, hollow feeling in the pit of Kurama's stomach made itself known when the jaganshi pulled away from him. Paralyzed by confusion, the kitsune easily released his hybrid partner and watched him blankly as he stumbled over to the bathroom.

Hiei winced when his wounds protested the moving he was trying to do, but he needed to leave. He didn't feel welcome in the room anymore, and he didn't want to be there. Not alone in the same room with his rapist. Once he entered the bathroom, the koorime bent down and grabbed his dry pants and shirt. Retrieving his cloak and scarf didn't even cross Hiei's mind when he quickly tossed on the dry, black clothing and walked back out of the bathroom. He averted his eyes from the fox, still in the same position he had left him in, on the bed. The swordsman didn't feel like talking anymore. The unanswered questions meant nothing to him. All that meant anything to him was getting out of that house, and finding somewhere to privately cleanse his mind and soiled body. Hiei was wary of himself and the condition he was in, when he sat down on the floor to slip his feet into his boots. Going too fast, he knew, would reopen the cuts all over his body and probably attract animals or worse with the smell of his blood.

Heartbroken emerald pools followed the stumbling figure of their master's love. Though Kurama didn't move, he still watched what his partner did. From his vantage point, it seemed like Hiei was going to leave. And the fox knew that there was nothing that he could do. He wouldn't stop the young demon. He wouldn't make the uncomfortable child linger any longer then he wanted to. Kurama knew his comrade was in pain. There in lied the reason for the jerky and stumbling movements and steps. But the fox wouldn't do anything but sit on his bed and watch his true love blur from his sights. An odd ache stabbed at the kitsune-turned-human's heart and the fox winced. This feeling wasn't new to him. It was something familiar and something he was in acquaintance with since the beginning of his obsession and addiction for the fire youkai.

Said hi-youkai felt the heartbroken green seas bare holes into him one more time before he said without a break in his voice, "I'm afraid, because I don't trust you. I'm afraid, because everyone that I spare from death **always** comes back for another chance with something forbidden. But I cannot exterminate this new cause of pain." Hiei look over his shoulder at the solemn fox behind him. "No regrets, no looking back, and no apologies. I'm not sorry, and neither are you. I'm cutting all of my ties with you, and you shall do the same to me." The hybrid turned all of the way back around to push the window open and jerkily hop up onto the sill.

Kurama blinked a few times before he jumped up and pleaded, "Wait!" The cross breed halted in his hoisting efforts and asked roughly, "What?" The kitsune stood up from his sitting position from his bed; not ashamed of his unclothed figure. "Do you mean to say that," he hesitated at what he was going to say. The thoughts of what he was getting ready to voice making Kurama cautious. Lowering his head, the fox continued, "Are we no longer a team together? You and I?"

Hiei didn't turn back at the question. His mind screamed at him to just answer and be done with it. The deep cuts on his thighs were being the largest of protestors on his body at the moment. The hybrid sighed a little and nodded. "I think it would be best. I think you would agree." Shuffling from behind him made the youkai raise an eye brow to himself before a warm chest pressed against his back. Hiei winced heavily when the scent of a fox overwhelmed him again and warm palms planted themselves on his covered chest.

Kurama pressed his cheek into the wild black fur near to him and mumbled, "Is there no other way we could work this out." The shaking of a negative head made tears of brutal regret burned the green eyes that already seared with inner hate. The fox placed a small kiss in the warm fur that tickled his face as he released his captive. He didn't try to smile or anything of the sort. All the kitsune did was turn his back to the hybrid and mumble forcefully, "Go." And as he felt Hiei leave his windowsill, Kurama would forever hate himself for the uncontrollable youko spirit that lurked inside his mind. He had just lost his partner, best friend, secret lover to the youko. Kurama would never forgive himself for losing control.

A/n: _dies from back pain_ I'm not moving from this spot on the floor I tell ya! Not one inch! In metrics, not one centimeter! Not one damnit! Please review! The reviews may revive me and heal my back pains from leaning over this damned keyboard that doesn't like me! _groans_ Oh boy, I tell ya, how 'bout that gloat! _laughs_ I'm so silly when I'm in pain! "We're about to die and the bloody bitch is laughing!" _evol laugh_ Ja!


	7. Comfort

I'm Losing Myself

Chapter 7: Comfort

A/n: Continuing with the story! La, la, la, la, la, la, la!

Warning: light Shoujo-ai, WAFF

Blackfox999: Ai, ai captain! Bishonen Angst Waves comin' right up.

Jasmemini: Don't worry, the back aches went away! I gave them the old "one, two! Buckle my shoe!" _dry laugh_ I thought the last chapter was nothin' but dog puu! I hate writin' stuff in third. But hell, as long as you liked it, that's what matters! _sniffles_ It makes an author proud to know that she as such fans! _points to Blackfox999_ You too! And everyone else that loves, or likes, this fic.

animebishieluver: Darn that ass kicking world! Was it me that made you depressed, or was it something else that made you like that? I'm good at making people act…weird.

The Amazing Tsu-chan: Give those writer's pains a "one two" hit! I'm glad you think the story interesting. Wait until we get deeper into my crazy, psychotic way of thinking! _evol laugh_ The characters of YYH are doomed! _lightning flashes in the background with thunder at its heels_ I'm good!

Nekosune: eyes grow big as she sees the cookie Oh! Cookie! eats cookie with predatory look on face I won't end the story just yet! There hadn't been enough angst! We can't end the story without hurting Hiei just a bit more! holds index and thumb fingers about an inch apart That much more! grins

Rave Slave: evil laugh Oh, don't you worry about that! Someone's gonna get their ass kicked! raises fist in the air You can count your chickens on that one!

Ilikeyaoi: Yey! You like it now! Goody! My back doesn't hurt anymore, either. And I agree with you. Damn that youko. Meany. grumbles He ruins fluffy moments. becomes rabid And **no one** ruins happy, fluffy moments but me! Double damn him!

COMFORT

I let myself fall into the warm, steaming water as I finally shook off all my clothes. I had left my shirt and my scarf at **his** house; I didn't miss them. With my possessions I had with me discarded over on the bank, I momentarily let my worries drain from me as I floated in the water. The wet warmth felt extremely good on all the bondage marking on my torso and thighs. The relatively deep cuts on my inner thighs were already beginning to heal, but if I didn't seek professional healing, the cuts would leave the scars that their master had intended to leave. I winced as my sudden, jumpy movement disturbed the scabbing cuts. There was a rustle in the brush where the clearing met with the forest, and a young, teal haired girl broke through the brush. She stood there in her yukata, and I relaxed when I noticed that it just Yukina.

She gazed at me, questioningly, but happily none the less, and she smiled pleasantly, "Ohayou Hiei-san. I didn't know that you were here. I…" but her words faltered as she saw all the small crescent moon cuts on my shoulders and my sides. I breathed in heavily and I tried to smile for her, but it turned into more of a grimace as more of the wounds on my legs reopened from my previous running and stumbling.

I shut my eyes as pain from deep inside resurfaced and I began to shiver. Yukina was asking me something, but I couldn't hear her. I wrapped my arms around myself as I shivered. I felt unusually cold. I had never felt so cold before. I had to guess that my youki was down very far. Yukina was still talking; asking me it I was alright, and I nodded in reply. Even though I knew that I wasn't alright. I wavered on my feet in the knee deep water as my world spun. I pressed the palm of my hand to my forehead to try and stop the swirl of colors around me. I groaned painfully as I felt a neck cracking headache coming on. Yukina gasped as I started to fall back into the water. I heard her shout my name and come slashing into the water to try and catch me. She already knew that I hated water going higher than my knees, but she tried in vain to catch me as we both fell into the water.

Warm water rushed into my ears, up my nose, and down my throat as I tried to breathe. Yukina pulled my head above the water so that I could breathe. I began to cough fiercely as the water was forced out of my lungs. She was rambling on and on about something; asking if I was okay. But I groaned in pain as some sand from the bottom of the spring that was swishing around in the water crawled into the cuts on my thighs. I hissed in pain as the salty grains burned my open wounds. I grabbed onto Yukina and I tried to move my legs away from the sand, but I just kicked up more.

There was a shout, and we both looked up as a bewildered Yusuke stood near the line of the trees that marked where the small clearing ended. He looked confused as he asked, "What in the world are you two doin' in there together?" I glared a little at Yusuke because he knew that Yukina and I are related. But my glare quickly diminished as exhaustion forced me to close my eyes. I wanted to stay awake because I wanted to make sure that I didn't accidentally drown Yukina if I was too heavy for her. My hearing was fading as my remaining energy started to run away from me. I could make out the sounds of splashing water, and very strong half demon arms picking me out of the water; hugging me close to a muscled, flat chest.

I groaned as I inhaled Yusuke's scent, and I tried to snuggle deeper into his warm shirt. To my surprise, he didn't refuse the close touch. He held me closer as he started to run back the way he had come. My body bounced in his arms slightly as he leapt over bushes and some fallen trees. I opened my eyes, hesitantly, as I stared up at my leader. "Yusuke," I mumbled. He took a quick glance down at me before he asked, "Yea?" I leaned up to nuzzle his neck with my nose and I said exhaustedly, "Thank you." The toushin's energy flared with a strange feeling when I had gently nuzzled his neck. I hadn't known that he possessed this kind of flare without being around his woman or Kuwabara.

Keeping his eyes ahead of him, Yusuke arched his neck down to nuzzle my neck back as he mumbled softly, "Anytime man." I tried to smile for him, but I failed as the exhaustion from the previous night, the running, and the new emotional turmoil overtook my senses. I fell asleep in Yusuke's arms as he ran us closer to Genkai's Temple. The whole way there I felt that I was in good hands; that I was safe. I felt a thankful smile bloom on my face as I finally fell asleep in warm, comforting arms.

I groaned as hushed voices reached my ears. "Oh, but Genkai-shihan (Master Genkai) what do you think happened to him?"

"I don't know Yukina-san. Just be glad that Yusuke found you two."

"It was nothin. Really Yukina. I was just walkin' around in the woods when I heard a scream. Genkai told me that you were on your way to a bath, and I was worried about ya. So, I came to the rescue like the good guy. Speaking of a good guy, it's kinda sad about what happened with you and Kuwa."

Yukina sighed heavily and she said, "I know. I tried to explain to him that I don't feel comfortable with a man, but he just seemed so…so heartbroken when I told him that I love Shizuru-chan."

My eyes shot open when I sat up quickly and screamed, "NANI!" But I instantly regretted doing so, for the wounds on my thighs and inside me stretched. I could feel them want to give way and break. Yukina gasped and Yusuke stormed into my room as I groaned loudly in pain. He stared at my naked form for a moment, before he turned away with his back towards me and started to hum while rocking on the balls of his feet. Yukina blushed and giggled as she tried to smother the sign of amusement with a polite hand covering her mouth. Genkai's facial expression didn't change as she walked farther into the room and pulled the blanket that had been covering me a moment ago to cover me again. A small blush warmed my cheeks as I pulled the blanket up even more and I mumbled in a hushed voice, "Gomen."

Yusuke chuckled a bit while he said with his back still turned to me, "N…no problem." I raised an eye brow at him as he continued to act flustered. Genkai cleared her throat and she said, "I think we should leave these two alone, don't you think Yukina?" It wasn't a request. Yukina blushed even more and she said, "Hai, Genkai-shihan." And with that, the two women turned around and promptly left the room.

There was silence in the room for awhile. The setting sun still shined into the room to light it. I stared down at my hands in my lap, and I waited. 'Waited for what though?' I thought to myself. I didn't quite know what I was waiting for. Yusuke to say something? Our silence to be disturbed somehow? I closed my eyes, and I sighed as I lied back down on the futon. I didn't really know what to think at that time. I did feel really weak though.

Yusuke cleared his throat as he slowly shuffled closer to me while keeping his back to me. I turned my head over in his direction to watch him shuffle backwards. "Yusuke, what is it you want?" I asked; annoyed slight. He stayed silent for a minute, before he turned around and stared at me for awhile. His eyes reflected nothing but seriousness. I met his stare with my own guarded gaze. He closed his eyes for a moment, before he lowered himself to sit next to my futon.

I stared at him in question for a few minutes, until he reached out and grabbed the edge of the heavy blanket that covered me. I stared at his hand for a moment, before it started to pull the blanket down and away from my body. I gasped and quickly sat up to grip at his arm. "Yusuke, no!" I pleaded to the other youkai. Yusuke smiled a bit and he said in a soft voice, "I'm not going to hurt you. Just relax and let me see those wounds." But I didn't loosen my grip on his arm as I yelled, "No! It hurts too much!" I turned my face away from his eyes and whimpered, "Please…" Yusuke cooed at me softly and he said, "It's okay. You don't have to watch. I won't touch them. I just want to see them. I promise. You can kill me if I touch them." I gulped as he stayed still. I gave an almost inaudible sigh as I let go of his arm.

Yusuke drew the blanket almost all the way of my legs, and he leaned over me to try and get a better look at the wounds. I grew tense and I gently pushed on his shoulders to push him back; he complied. He looked me in the eye and he said, "Please Hiei, let me help you." I stared at our group leader for a moment longer. Searching his eyes for any reason that told me that I shouldn't trust him. I didn't find a single reason. I stayed still a moment longer, before I gathered my legs up and I curled into a ball. I pressed my face into my knees to hide from the toushin's eyes. Just to hide from everything and everyone. Didn't they get it? Couldn't they see? All I wanted was to be left alone. That's all I really ever wanted. I don't like attention. I never have. I never will.

Yusuke laid a comforting hand on my right shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze. I peered at him through my arms, curious. His face was concerned looking, and open to anything that he thought that I might have to say. I lifted my head up and I gazed into Yusuke's deep brown eyes. A soft hand of his brushed my cheek and he said, "You're crying." I stared up at him as he shuffled closer to me and enveloped me in a warm hug. At first I hesitated in returning the embrace, but as more sorrow hammered at my heart, I wanted to return the comforting embrace. I leaned over to the brown eyed half ningen on my knees as his arms pulled me closer to his warmth. Yusuke was so gentle to me that I almost thought that Yusuke and the one I had seen in battle were two different people. I whimpered once when the toushin's hands relaxed my upper back and shoulder blades, but I soon gave into the comforting embrace and hands.

I hiccupped once when Yusuke's right hand stopped petting my back, and his wary fingers gently buried themselves into my hair. I tensed up again for a brief second, before his finger tips tenderly rubbed my scalp. I shut my eyes as I leaned further into the half human's embrace as my flesh came alive with small bumps. I pulled my arms out from my sides to wrap them around the ningen youth's neck. His hair smelled so clean and fresh when I buried my nose into the slicked back hair. Yusuke pulled me as close as he could, and I lowered myself to rest my head on his chest. I could hear the strong heartbeat thump in his chest and I crawled into the toushin's lap.

Yusuke's hands continued to stroke my back and hair as he rocked us back and forth on my futon. I sniffled once, quietly, as the hand the half ningen was using to caress my upper back ran up to my right shoulder to pet the skin there. "I'll protect you forever. From anything you want to be protected from. And I'll always be there for you, okay?" Yusuke promised as his left hand toyed with some of my black hair that was lying flat on the back of my neck. I whined in my throat like I used to as a child and I tried to cuddle closer to Yusuke. He was so warm and his lap was comfortable. It made me feel welcomed when I noticed that there wasn't anything poking up at my rear. I was glad that Yusuke wasn't going to try to take advantage of me. That was the last thing that I needed. I smiled a small smile with my eyes closed as I sighed happily.

I shivered a bit when warm, yet cool breath rained down on my shoulder from the toushin above me. Yusuke pulled back a little and he asked me, "Are you cold?" I shook my head stubbornly, and Yusuke chuckled. I cracked opened an eye to ask him, "What? What's so funny?" He smiled lightly at me from where my head was at his chest while he said quietly, "It's alright to be vulnerable sometimes. Here," he paused to grab the blanket from under us and pulled on it. The ex detective succeeded, and he wrapped the light blue blanket around us. He smiled and said further, "I don't care if you're vulnerable. All I want to do is to make sure that you have someone trusting to lean on." I smiled a little at the reassurance he gave me.

My eyes fluttered a bit as the comforting, warm hands that Yusuke had been using began to lure me to sleep. I struggled with the pulling force on my eye lids, but Yusuke shushed at me. "If you're tired, go ahead and go to sleep." I clutched at the white t-shirt Yusuke wore and I shook my head. "I…don't want you to leave." Yusuke chuckled in amusement and he said while slowly pushing on my shoulders, "Just lie down. I'll take you to my apartment that I share with my mom, if you'd rather go somewhere else." I nodded as the toushin lowered me to the futon and pulled the blanket up to my chin. "Remember Hiei, I won't go away until you tell me so." I nodded as Yusuke gave my hair one last pet. I grabbed the covers in one hand and I turned onto my side, because I didn't like the pressure I was putting on my rear. My back face the brown eyed hero, and I sighed into the blanket. My eyes fluttered again for a moment before I finally closed them and drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

A/n: Chapter 7! DONE! Chapter 8….haven't even started with yet. sweatdrop That was weak. Please review! Ja!


	8. Care

I'm Losing Myself

Chapter 8: Care

A/n: Thanks carla for the outline idea! It's helping bunches and bunches! Warnings: From here on out, Major OOC-ness for EVERYBODY and WAFF. Some spoilers too, but not many.

Jasmemini: I changed who this story was centered on about here, or in the last chapter. I wanted to make him go insane, but I just can't torture people. If I were to torture anyone, it would be Yomi, but he's off topic! The line of this story is kinda confusing until the end. Yea, the last two or three chapters is where all the ends start coming together. Hell, even **I** was confused until the end. But, I'm writing the story, so I already know what's gonna happen! _evol laugh_

batteryhead: Scariest thing, huh? What scares you? _sniffles_ I hope I don't scare you. The story is the scary one, not me! _laughs_ I hope the plot satisfies you. It does to almost everyone else.

Rave Slave: _grins evolly_ I can't tell you! You'll just have to read. But, it is cute, isn't it? Now, all we need to do is get them both naked! _another evol laugh_

DragonFlame Mistress: Was that sadistic bitch comment supposed to be a compliment or an insult? Cause if it was a compliment, thank you! If it was an insult…_crickets chirp in background_ Yea, you're pretty much alone in that assumption!

Property of Hiei: That was what I was aiming for! Nice and fluffy. Well, _cracks knuckles_ back to the angst! _evol laugh_

CARE

An afternoon breeze blew on me, and my eyes fluttered for a moment before opening slowly. I blinked a few times as sun shine blinded me for a few seconds, but after the burning sensation ended I finally looked around. I remember that I had fallen asleep at the temple, but my new location was unknown to me. The room didn't seem to be all that personalized, and the only person that had been with me all day besides Yukina and Genkai had been Yusuke. Yusuke had to have brought me to his home. With all the comforting he had done, I didn't think he would just leave me alone.

I groggily turned onto my side as the door to the bedroom opened softly and a brown head peaked in. I hastily shut my eyes and controlled a smirk as Yusuke tiptoed into the room. The toushin was quiet as he crept around the room, and I tried hard not to smile a bit. Yusuke's playfulness was making me…happy. It was odd and strange how I felt, but I didn't fight it.

A chuckle from the brown eyed male confused me momentarily before my eyes reeled open to stare at the half ningen. He was making a funny face at me and rolling his eyes. I yelped, disturbed, and back away from him. Yusuke straightened up and laughed. I glared at him, halfheartedly, as he pointed at me.

"You thought you were so cute! Acting like you were asleep," the toushin chuckled at me calmer and a bit more thoughtful.

I pulled the covers up to my chest as I mumbled, "That wasn't the least bit funny. I don't know why you were laughing." Yusuke shook his head as he mumbled apologetically, "I was tryin' to make you smile, or laugh. Hell, even that glare made me feel better…ya know. About **that**." The team leader didn't need to put anymore emphasis on the word "that." I already knew what he was talking about. Then I began to wonder to myself, 'Does Yusuke know who did this to me?'

The toushin sat down and stared at his hands. "Look, you don't have to tell me if ya don't want to." He gazed up at me for a long, silent minute before he asked tenderly, "Who raped you?" I instantly stiffened and grew too shy for my liking. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know whether I should have told him or not. He wasn't asking for his own personal gain, but just to help me.

I turned to stare at the wall that the bed was against and I rubbed my left arm. I didn't want to seem fidgety, but there was nothing I could do to stop the uncomfortable empty feeling burrowing into my stomach. Yusuke only wanted to help me, but I didn't want to talk about it.

I shook my head from side to side as I mumbled, "I'd rather not talk about it." There was silence between us for what seemed like hours, but was only a few seconds. Yusuke scooted towards me some, his movements felt cautious and planned, before me gently caressed the back of my neck and shoulders. "That's a nasty bite mark on your shoulder. Did **he** do that to you?" My shoulders arched in discomfort—not from Yusuke, but from the conversation—and I nodded.

Yusuke quickly removed his hand and said apologetically, "Sorry." We both sat, silent, on the bed for what seemed like forever. The air around us held the feeling of fragileness, and I felt that Yusuke didn't want to cause me anymore anxiety that I already had to deal with. I was glad that he was being selfless, and sacrificing the privacy of his home for me. I needed somewhere to hide for awhile. Somewhere, with someone, in which I held trust for. Though I didn't think Yusuke ever knew, I held a deep trust for him unlike that of the old, close trust I held for Kurama. Yusuke I would trust in battle, but not as much as Kurama. But, in some places, I held a lightening faith in Yusuke more then the kitsune.

I had acknowledged for ages that Yusuke held an intense curiosity in me, but he was too uncertain to confront me about it. He wasn't as bold a person as Kurama was when it came to showing feelings for someone. I had noticed right away when that fox started to flirt and tease me. I had recognized the superior gaze in his eyes when I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye when ever I rejected his flirting. If said to my face, someone probably would have told me that I was oblivious to all the attention the kitsune spent on me. But I was never so naïve to where I could not recognize the lusting interest that Kurama had carefully given me. I scoffed at his stupidity.

A tap on my shoulder brought me out of my trance like thinking, and I glanced at Yusuke from under my bangs. "You kinda dazed out there. You okay?" I sighed before nodding, and I rubbed my arm again. I felt a little dirty and grimy. I needed a bath or something. Anything to get myself clean and to get the sour smells off me.

Suddenly becoming shy, and fidgeted with the blanket over my waist and legs as I asked, "Yusuke, would it bother you if I took a shower or a bath? I feel dirty and I smell." Yusuke smiled and laughingly said, "Yea, sure. Anybody would wanna take a bath if they smell like you do." Yusuke then winced after he spoke and corrected himself, "I mean…smelling like sex. I didn't mean that you smell all the time or anything…" I shook my head and I mumbled, "Detective, you are amazing sometimes." A small smile light the half ningen's face as he said happily, "Hey, I'm not a detective anymore, remember? I was fired." I smirked at him, and I said as I stretched my arms over my head, "Yea, I know. But you're still a detective to me, Yusuke." The toushin smiled and said, "Whatever you want Hiei. Whatever you want."

A/n: I'm stuck. I know what I wanna do, but It's gonna have to come in the next chapter. I can't type anymore of this chapter! I'm getting' sick of it. A little teaser for ya; there's gonna be a shower in the next chapter! smiles evolly What should I do to Hiei? evol laugh I could do such nasty things to him, that I already haven't done!


	9. In the Arms of a Hero

I'm Losing Myself

Chapter 9: In the Arms of a Hero

A/n: Gawd! These chapter files on my computer are all screwed up! Oh well, I'll figure it out, eventually! BTW, I am **so sorry** for the **millions** of mistakes I made in the last chapter! _gets on the floor and touches forehead to floor_ Please forgive me! I forgot to change and edit the chapter before I posted it. It was early in the morning and I wasn't thinking. Please forgive me!

Jasmemini: I know! Damn Cartoon network to hell for their lineup crap. And it does not add suspense to the show. God I hate that! But Yusuke being fired is cannon material. And he was never restored until the first OAV. Not the two movies, I'm talking there's two other YYH series after the one people see over here in America. I forget what it's called, but I'd recognize it if I saw it. So, you liked what I did? Great! I don't think you'll like how I'm gonna finish this story, but for the time being, great!

Ilikeyaoi: Foreshadowing, my dear reviewer. Foreshadowing. I can't say much more, because it would ruin the story. And that would be un-Yaoism of me. Yes, I created my own "sub" religion. Go ahead and laugh. _pouts_ I know you want to. But I **really** wanted to do your idea when I was writing this chapter. That idea was gnawing at my finer tips, but I think my idea will bring more fox angst. I **really** don't like the little dooshbag. Yes, I just called him a "dooshbag." It means moron.

Cold Toenails: Creative name. I didn't really want to through Kuwabara into the mix. Ya know, since my reviewers are giving me ideas for what's gonna happen next, I hope my story doesn't get deleted. I didn't ask for it! But thank you. Trust me, were gonna get some more angst in here soon. The last two or three chapters are gonna be exciting. Cliff hangers all around.

batteryhead: Oh gosh! You wouldn't believe how much I want to join you! You wouldn't know it from a distance, but I love the little guy to pieces too! Just wanna squeeze the crap out of him! _plushie stares at authoress and squeaks "help me!"_ I don't understand why I like hurtin' the poor little baby! I'm a very evil and mean person, ne? _cries_ I disgrace myself! But hey, I got your review for HTTS:T. You wouldn't believe how much I wanna write a sweaty lemon that would re-define the term "hot sweat" but I'm not too good with the detailing of the screwing of the buttocks. _sulks_ But boy if I were! Can we say nose bleeds, boys and girls? But hell, I'll give it a try. _evil grin_ I'll have you know that I love to have the shorter boy on bottom too! _raises eye brows suggestively towards all the poor yaoi couples at my disposal_ Poor Heero-chan! Duo would be Seme in my POV! _evil laugh in the background_ That means Hi-chan would be uke to EVERYONE! _lightning cracks in back ground as authoress laughs like an evil scientist_ God, I love that rule! A person could live off that rule, ne?

IN THE ARMS OF A HERO

With a towel wrapped around my waist, I followed Yusuke into the apartment's small bathroom. The toushin bent down to turn the knobs of the shower and water came spraying out from the head up near the ceiling. The detective smiled to himself and he said over his shoulder, "Hey, come over here and tell me if this water is too warm, or too cold." I raised an eye brow at him and I said, "The water could never be too hot Yusuke. I am a fire demon, after all." Yusuke sighed and rubbed the back of his head. "You're too serious, man. Lay back, relax!" The half ningen peered over his shoulder at me and stuck his tongue out. I stared at him for awhile before I said, "Now you're just acting stupid."

The detective sighed and turned back around as he mumbled halfheartedly, "At least I don't act like I have a stick shoved up my ass." I glared at the half ningen as he mumbled to himself. "Yusuke, how **can** I relax when I still have this feeling that he's looking for me." Yusuke glanced at me over his shoulder and asked, confused, "What do you mean he's still looking for you?" I turned my head away to avoid his curious brown eyes, and I said strongly, "I mean I feel this way because no one has ever really given up looking for something that they want. You can tell yourself that; even if you know that this something isn't healthy for you. Ningens do drugs. They don't stop because they know that they need the drugs, and even if they did stop, they would continue to want the drugs. Don't you understand what I'm trying to tell you?" Out of the corner of my right eye, I saw Yusuke's eyes become pure of any emotion that was selfish. He no longer stared at me with curiosity, pity, or sympathy. His eyes grew darker and filled with a deep sadness that reached out to me and touched my heart.

Yusuke stood up and turned around to face me with his arms open. I dropped the towel that I had curled around my waist, and I stepped into the half ningen's open arms. I resisted tears and I buried my face into Yusuke's white t-shirt. The material was soft and warm from the toushin's body head, and I tried to get closer to him; suddenly feeling cold. The leader of our team petted at my hair as I tried to hide from his innocent stare. Yusuke didn't realize how innocent and pure he was to me. I wrapped my arms around his neck as Yusuke pulled me closer, kneeling down so that we were more equal in height. I rested my head on his shoulder as the brown eyed toushin rocked us left to right on our feet.

I sighed as I buried my nose in the crook of Yusuke's neck and inhaled the clean, fresh scent of the hanyou. I needed this soft, childish moment. To let go and "relax" as Yusuke had advised me to do. But I was so used to being tense and ready for anything, I really didn't know how to relax. I felt tense and aware even in the close, gently warm sanctuary of this half toushin's arms. I had never realized that he cared so much about me. I had never known that Yusuke was as opened minded as this.

There was silence between us for a long time, and I had begun to think that the hot water had been used up. But I leaned over to the shower and stuck my hand out, and the water was still warm enough for someone to bathe. I sighed and slowly pulled away from Yusuke. I could feel that he didn't want to let me go, but I continued to pull away. There wasn't any conversation between us as Yusuke stood back up. Again, I avoided his stare as Yusuke stood in front of me for a minute or two. I closed my eyes as the half ningen brushed past me and mumbled, "I'll be in my room, okay?" I nodded before the detective walked out of the bathroom, and shut the door behind him.

I stood, frozen, for long periods of time after Yusuke left me to myself. I didn't really know **why** I had acted so shy and weak. I mentally scolded myself for doing so, and I stepped into the shower. I didn't really feel like washing myself after the shock of Yusuke holding me just moments before. The air in the bathroom felt too tense for me to be comfortable to do anything but think and reminisce. But I felt too afraid to go over anything in my memory without my legs shaking. I wanted to sleep more, but even in sleep had I yet to find refuge. Dark memories that had collected in the back of my mind haunted me like a never resting ghost. The fresher the memory, the more terrifying the nightmare. And with my near perfect memory, I could recall every detail of anything I had been through. It was like going through the ordeal over and over again. Sometimes I felt like a small child lost in a large place and I could not find my mother.

I shivered as I slowly backed away from the spray of water that had lost its warmth. My back softly collided with the off-white colored wall as my legs became to quiver. I had always despised the frequent break downs that came to me in times when I was most unstable. I always hid myself away, so that I wouldn't have to be seen, and I would run the slight risk of hurting others. I could never control anything I did when I had the break downs. I had seen a few times what something like that could do to ningens. They ended up in padded rooms with odd looking jackets on. The caged condition in which they were placed in made my skin come alive with bumps.

I sighed as I slid down the slick wall. My legs gave a final quiver before they refused to support me. I pulled my quivering legs up to my chest when I settled down on my bottom on the shower floor. I tried to fight the feeling of no control, but instead I forfeited resistance—I had always lost before, why would I begin to win now?—for staring at the opposite wall. The steam was beginning to thin and the water steadily grew cooler. My eyes slipped in and out of focus as I concentrated on the wall a short distance away from me. My eyes wandered down to where the drain was. I watched with mild interest as the water swirled into a world pool, then went down the drain itself.

Nothing was interesting to me anymore. It was the feeling like I was never going to die, I was already old, and I had seen all there was to see. But I know I hadn't. Yusuke was a new, interesting mystery to me. I had never seen the side of him that I had when we hugged. I didn't want to admit it, but I had liked the feeling of the hanyou being so close. His arm enveloping and acting like a protective shield. Protecting me against the inevitable storm that was to consume me and change everything that I had known.

A transparent vision of something made me shake my head a few times and blink rapidly. The image had faded from my sight. What had it been? Was someone in the shower with me? I shook my head again as I brought an arm up to rub my eyes. I looked again at the same place where the image had been, and nothing was there. My shoulders arched and I shivered violently. There wasn't any feeling of another presence within the shower stall, but I knew I had seen something. Something was there. Or was I hallucinating?

"No," I reasoned with my self. "I'm not hallucinating. I saw someone there. But, I'm alone now." The word "alone" felt foreign on my tongue; like I was speaking a different language. "Alone," I said again as I slipped further down the shower wall. Was I really alone? I felt no physical presence in the bathroom, but I had the tugging feeling in the back of my mind that someone was with me. Who, I did not know. 'Could it be Kurama?' I thought to myself. There was no way he could be watching me. There was defiantly a spiritual like feel to the room, but I felt neither reiki or youki. But the nagging feeling at the back of my mind wouldn't rest.

I stood, steadily, with my mind made up. I could no longer stay with Yusuke. My hiding place had been discovered somehow, and I would have to find another as soon as possible. I hesitantly glanced at the handles that controlled the water, but I soon dismissed the thought of turning the shower off myself. There wasn't any possible way I could do it. I hadn't been paying very close attention to Yusuke when he had messed with the handles. I groaned a little as I pulled back the shower curtain, and stepped out of the stall. Then a question came to my mind. If I was to leave Yusuke to find another hiding place, where was I to go?

I stood still for silent lengthy amount of time. I didn't have the slightest clue as to where I was supposed to hide, where Kurama wouldn't expect me to go. Makai was out of the question. I would be too exhausted to get to Mukuro's before the youko would find me; if he was to come looking for me. Genkai's Temple wasn't an option either. I had already been there, and if Kurama had already started his search for me, then that was probably the first place he would have looked. I wasn't about to stay with Kuwabara. That would be my last resort.

But an idea came to mind and I thought, 'Kurama knows me too well. He knows that if I was going to hide from him, I would go to the place he would least expect. So all of the places I think he would least expect me to go wouldn't work, because he would find me. And the fox is smart. So he has already searched the locations I frequent. I can't hide in the park. He would have already looked there. I can't stay in Reikai, Koenma would probably want to know why I was there. So, if I'm right, I have no where else to go. I have no where else to hide. But if I can't hide, what **can** I do?' I was at a lost. The only thing on my mind at the time was to stay as far away from the kitsune as possible. But, if I could not hide from him, there was nothing else to do but run from him. But eventually, I would tire and make mistakes. Besides, I'm already tired as it is. My eyes widened as I said, "He planed this all along. He knew I would figure it out. He knew I would hide somewhere. That means….I've lost. I've lost in a game where there are no rules, yet there are rule. It's a game of cat and mouse. I must be the mouse then. Hiding from the cat is futile, so I must run. But my tired legs can only carry me so far before they give out. When they give out, the game has been won, and I have lost."

In a frightened fury of emotions, I grabbed the discarded towel that lay on the floor, and I threw the door open. I wasted no time exiting the bathroom and running to Yusuke's room. I threw the door open, and I found he was sitting in a chair, asleep. 'If I do this quietly, then he won't wake up, and I can leave.' I stared at his resting figure for a long time. Yusuke had done so much for me, but he wanted nothing in return. He confused me sometimes. But it wasn't the time for thinking and repaying. It was the time for getting dressed and ready to leave. I had to get out of there. The apartment was no longer safe. I had to keep running. I sounded like a coward, but I couldn't help it. I was frightened by the youko, and it was an instinct to run from something that I knew I couldn't beat. I hadn't really felt that scared in a while. Since Sensui was our case and when I knew I couldn't destroy him. That was the only other time I felt terror like this.

I quickly grabbed the gray tank top and the black pants that were lying out for me. With my skin still damp, I thrust my legs into the pant legs, and threw the shirt over my head. I had left my sword at Genkai's Temple when I had rested there, so I was almost defenseless. I didn't mind as long as my legs could still carry me. I could always outrun the fox if I needed to. But I was still weak from everything, and I wouldn't be able to maintain a decent speed for too long. I would just have to make good with what I had.

As I hastily dashed over to the window, a voice mumbled, "You should stay here Hiei. You still need the rest. No one's gonna find you here." I stopped and turned to look over my shoulder at an expressionless Yusuke. He sat in the chair, silent, with his arms folded over his chest. There was a tense silence between us, and I didn't think I could take standing there, staring at him. I turned my head back to stare out the balcony door and I asked, "What makes you think you can keep me here?" Yusuke chuckled a bit and stood up steadily. "Nothing really. But you and I both know that you need to sleep. You haven't healed all the way yet. Stay. You're alright."

I glared at his reflection in the glass door, and I said calmly, "He knows." Yusuke's blurry image in the glass door frowned and he asked, "Who knows?" My brow furrowed and I clenched a fist at my side. "**He** knows. The one that…," I bowed my head and mumbled lowly, "the one who did **this **to me." There was silence in the room again and neither one of us spoke. Two strong arms wrapped around my hips and Yusuke whispered in my ear, "What does **he** know?" It comforted me a bit when Yusuke didn't ask who this "he" was; I was glad that he totally dropped the subject on wanting to know who did **it**. "He knows that I'm playing the game." Silence surrounded us again before Yusuke asked, "What game?" I sighed heavily before I tried to explain, not trying to sound frustrated, "It's the game he's been trying to get me to play for as long as I've known him." I raised my head as I said as clearly and calmly as before, "The game of cat and mouse."

A/n: There's my stopping point! _smiles_ Please consider donating your time to a needy cause. It's called, "Please Review and Help Me get through My Writer's Block that I just Wanna kick in the _beep_" Trust me, it's a worthy cause. And how will you benefit from this, you ask? Easy, you'll get a quicker update. That's always nice, ne? Ja!


	10. Cat and Mouse

I'm Losing Myself

Chapter 10: Cat and Mouse

A/n: Here we go! Chapter ten already, wow. It seems just like yesterday when I first posted this fic…._cries_ Thank you all. I'm touched. Not that way, carla. _grins_ No, this is not good-bye. I ain't done yet!

Jasmemini: I've watched the first episode or so of Lain. It didn't attract me so well. It reminded me of The Animatrix. Big time! I didn't think the pervious chapter was all that good. But the plot of the story will slowly reveal itself. Wait, there's a plot? No, I'm jokin'. There is. A very serious one to me. But keep reading! It'll get really interesting as we near the last three chapters.

Dreamin Of You: _in monotone_ Yes master!

silverfoxgirl11: Ahhh! Thank you! You really think this is awesome? Ahhh! Thank you again!

Hiei owns my soul: Here's more then!

Rave Slave: Nope. That's Yusuke's job. Opps! Spoiler warning! A tease, I am. Teehee!

Cold Toenails: Ohhh! Bad fangirl! But hell, you're worse then me. All I do is annoy the shit out of people. Ever scratch your nails down a chalk board when the whole room is writing an essay, and if a pin was dropped you could hear it about a mile away. Ya know, I bet it's a lot worse of other people because I'm the one doing the annoying! _evol laugh_

CAT AND MOUSE

Yusuke's reflection in the glass door looked confused as he asked, "What do you mean by "the game of cat and mouse"?" I turned around in his embrace and I said into his shirt, "It's difficult to explain, but I'll try. When I first met this man, he never gave me the impression of being a rapist or anything of the sort. But you see, that's what he **wanted** me to believe. Let me explain that a bit. What I mean when I say that is that I never thought he was a rapist. And that's what he wanted me to believe, so that when the time came, I would trust him not to hurt me like that. Say, when I'm vulnerable. Do you understand?" No reply came from Yusuke. I tilted my head up a bit and I asked again, "Yusuke, do you understand?" He tilted his head down and asked, "So, it's all about a matter of trusting and not trusting." It wasn't a question that he asked. I nodded and so did Yusuke.

"I see now. He was counting on you to trust him from the start, so when he got to know you better, he wouldn't really have any problem getting to you like that. I see. It's still a little confusing, but I get it. So when you say it's a game of cat and mouse, you're the mouse and he's the cat?" I nodded, not knowing where Yusuke was going with this line of conversation. "In the game of cat and mouse that I think your tryin' to tell me about, you can't hide from the cat, because the cat knows you too well. So the only thing to do is run. But you're wounded and he knows that, so he'll know that the right time to strike you is when you're at your weakest. Am I right?" I was still for some time; analyzing his logic and sentences, before I nodded. "It's kinda like a dog followin' a bloody trail, right?" he asked with a smile beginning to grow. My eyes closed slowly and I nodded once.

"That's why I can't stay, Yusuke. I have to keep running until **he** catches me, or I just somehow manage to stay away from him. There's nothing else I can do." Yusuke chuckled while his hands began to rub my back. "You're over looking the other option, Hiei. You could always just stay in one place." I stared up at the detective and I said, "That's suicide. If I stay here, he'll find me. What am I to do then, genius?" Yusuke shook his head and he said, "Yes you can stay here." Yusuke leaned on his right side, and carefully supported me in his arms. "W…why can I stay here?" I asked, a little nervous. Yusuke smiled down at me as his face neared mine and he whispered, "Because you've got me to protect you."

My eyes widened and my lips parted some as the toushin's lips and mouth covered and caressed mine. My lower lip trembled against Yusuke's as he pulled me closer to his chest. I threw my arms up to circle his neck, and I moaned into the kiss as a wet tongue gently lapped at my faintly parted lips. I opened my mouth up to Yusuke and the taller man thrust his tongue into my mouth. I moaned again as I accidentally pressed my hips into Yusuke's, and the toushin pressed back against me. I gasped and my eyes that were shut shuttered violently as Yusuke's tongue petted and lapped at mine.

I playfully fought against the toushin when he rocked our hips together again. I slowly moved with him as we rocked from left to right and our hips swayed against each other's. But, to my disappointment, Yusuke withdrew from my mouth and pulled his lips away from mine. He opened his eyes that had closed during our kiss, and stared at me as silence made everything still. I drew one of my arms away from the lock I had on the brown eyed teen's neck and I gently caressed his cheek. He smiled down at me and he held me near him with one hand as the other came up to press against my hand. I smiled, hesitantly, as well when the toushin rubbed the top of my hand with his thumb.

"I told ya you could stay," the teen said as he bent down again to softly nuzzle my left cheek with his nose. I smiled again and I rubbed my nose against his skin. When Yusuke pulled away, the tips of our noses touched and we stared at each other for a long time. The corner of my lips twitched into a smile as Yusuke slowly bent back down some to give me a feathery light kiss. Eagerly, I arched my neck up, to get more out of the kiss, but the toushin had already begun to pull away. I stared up at him, with a small pout at my disposal, and I arched my neck again. Yusuke laughed when he saw that I wanted another kiss. "I'll kiss you all night long, my prince. As long as you stay here with me and let me protect you." A hush filled the air again as we stared into each other's eyes for a lengthy time again.

The arm that I still had around Yusuke's neck pressed against the back of his head, which made his head come down. I curved my neck upwards, and just before our lips met again, Yusuke said, "I guess that means "yes"." The detective jabbed his hips, suddenly, into mine, and I cried, "Yes!" Our lips met again, and I ran my fingers through the slicked back black hair of Yusuke's as I clung to him. My mouth opened up to him again, and our tongues began a battle for dominance, but I gave up afterwards; not wanting to ruin the passionate moment for either of us. We began to pull away from each other when I felt the other youkai's finger begin to venture too far down my back for my liking. I squirmed against the teen as I said, a little out of breath, "Yusuke…your hand." Yusuke raised an eye brow but then noticed that his finger tips were brushing against my butt.

"Oh! I'm sorry," the toushin said as he moved his hand above the small of my back. I smiled up at him and I said, "Thank you. I don't feel quite comfortable with **that** yet." Yusuke nodded and pulled me back up to stand level on my feet. I blushed, embarrassed suddenly, and I tilted my head down. Yusuke slide his hand under my chin and tilted my head up so that I was making eye contact with him. "If I'm making you feel uncomfortable, please tell me. Okay?" I nodded, and the teen pulled his hand away.

Yusuke took a few steps away and looked me over. He smiled and said cheerfully, "Well, now that we have that taken care of, why don't we spend some time together. Ya know, talk. Get to know each other more. Wha da ya say?" I smiled over at him and nodded. "Where do you want to begin?" Yusuke cocked his head to the side and he said, "Well, I only want you to tell me what you're comfortable with telling me. Did that make any sense?" I nodded again as I stepped further away from the balcony door, and seated myself on the edge of the bed.

Yusuke followed me to his bed and he sat next to me. I leaned back on the bed, my hands supporting my weight, and when Yusuke sat down, his hand touched mine. We both quickly pulled away and stared at each other for a long moment, before we both put our hands back. We both glanced at each other as we smiled embarrassedly. I scooted closer to the toushin and I leaned into his right side, nuzzling his shoulder. I turned my head up to smile at the other youkai as he reached out to me and ran his fingers through my hair. I leaned into his warm palm and I mumbled, "Can we lie down?" I glanced up at him and blushed a little as I asked, "Together?" Yusuke chuckled as he pulled me up to where the pillows of the bed were. "Of course we can lie down. If you're tired, then we can rest together. 'That alright with you?" I nodded again as we stretched out next to one another.

Yusuke pulled me so that my back and his chest fit together like two pieces of a puzzle. I wasn't uncomfortable with the detective's hips being pressed into my rear, I couldn't feel anything poking me or anything of the sort. I smiled as the toushin wrapped an arm around my stomach. I covered his arm with mine, and we laced our finger together. Yusuke nuzzled the back of my head and said, "Tell me if you have happy dreams, okay?" I cleared my throat and said, "Yes. I will," before I sighed and closed my eyes; hoping that I would dream of the mysterious man that comforted me in some of my darkest hours.

A/n: Stuck again! Damn it! Sometimes I hate this story…_glares at story_ DIE STORY! DIE! _grabs knife and stabs at a piece of paper with the word "story" written on it _DIE YOU EVOL THINGY! DIE _fades out into nothing but the sound of ripping paper_ Please review. Ja!

Btw, for all of you Kurama loving reviewers, he will be in the next chapter! So please stop asking me about him. He's a living, hellish wreck! Opps….almost ruined the next chapter. We can just call that thing a teaser! Bye now.


	11. Red Grief

I'm Losing Myself

Chapter 11: Red Grief

A/n: And we head back to the poor, _gag_ heartbroken fox that raped his best friend! Let's celebrate, shall we? _evol laugh_ This chapter takes place during chapter nine. So when Yusuke was kissin' Hiei, Kurama was in school. Daydreamin'. _shakes finger at redhead_ Pay attention now, you might learn somethin'!

Ilikeyaoi: O.o….Nope! I'm good! Writer's block is gone! _smiles to try and convince you_

Jasmemini: That last chapter was more like filler then a chapter. That was something I was trying to avoid too! Damnit! But I'm glad you agree with me! Lain is to Animatrix as to Good is Yaoi! _smiles_ Ain't that right bob?

laly-abaly: I know! Waiting, or whatever you were talking about, is a demon! Or were you talking about me? _eyes grow big with tears _Am I really that bad?

jadejr1212: I'm makin' the damn fox out to be a mind fker! But wait, that would out me in the same boat…_shrugs_ Oh well, I'm proud of that fact! _laughs evolly_

Hiei owns my soul: Thanks! I needed that….

HieiSama117: normally, I'm not so good at it either! _sweatdrops_ Most of the time I'll rant on and on about the story, and then finally stop. Eventually.

Batteryhead: Teehee….Still getting' over the N/C stuff, huh? That's okay, everybody is different! I usually bounce back after surprises like that…Note the word usually. There are things that freak me out….Actually, when I think about it, a lot of things freak me out….it's just after I leave the room is when I show it! _grins madly_ Yep! That's me!

Cold Toenails: The longest I've been suspended for was a whole day…I'm not very proud of it….What I **am** proud of is my long ass list of detentions and Wednesday schools! Now that's an impressive list for a girl, and a smart one to boot! Take that Board of Education and shove that up your nose stuck in the air asses! _laughs evolly_ How do you like them apples? Eh!\

Shadow Jaganshi: Gee thanks! That was….pointful for you to say….pointful isn't a word, is it? _snaps fingers_ Damn. Oh well! To bad! _grins like a fool_ I like making my own words, doesn't everyone? _hears silence_ Waaa!

BIG WARNING: MAJOR OOC-NESS IN THIS CHAPTER. DON'T LIKE? OH WELL.

RED GRIEF

I sighed heavily as I tapped my pencil on my desk. The teacher continued her lecture as I dreamily gazed out the window. Visions of my demon friend made my eyes water as I imagined that he was sitting in the tree that was right outside the classroom. The branches reached over to the classroom window, so if he was sitting there, he would be able to jump in. I blinked away the burning tears as I sighed again. I hadn't seen him since he ran away. And I hadn't searched for him. It wasn't my place to do so. If Hiei didn't want to be around me, then I wouldn't force him to be near me. I knew when I wasn't wanted. Though, sometimes, I wouldn't take "no" for an answer.

My fellow classmates were beginning to worry about me, but I rejected any of their attempts of comfort or help. I was even beginning to reject my mother's comfort. But I knew that none of these…**humans** in which I lived with would be able to piece back together my broken heart.

It didn't take much effort for my mind to slip into a hallucination. I was doing that more and more often. I could see him sitting in that tree. Sleeping peacefully. Probably waiting for me to get out of school. I smiled to myself as I stared blankly out at the image. But to my disappointment, the image of his resting body was slowly disappearing from my mind. I gasped as he finally disappeared.

"No! Come back!" I pleaded as I stood up from my desk so fast that my chair tipped over. My hand reached out to the window, but I already had come back to my senses and discovered that it was just my imagination playing more treacherous games with me. A loud bang brought me farther back into reality as my teacher yelled out at me, "Minamino-san! This is the **fifth** time you have disturbed my class this week with your…yelling out! Would you like to leave and let the rest of your classmates learn?" I stared at the ruffled woman before I sighed again and stared back out the window.

"You don't understand," I mumbled. She leaned forward from behind her podium and asked, "What was that?" I clamped my eyes shut as I repeated, "You don't understand. None of you do!" I half growled as I roughly grabbed my bag from my desk and stomped over to the door. I threw it open and walked out of the room with my bag thrown over one shoulder in my hand. The teacher ran after me and yelled at my back, "You'll have a detention if you skip class Minamino…" But I rudely cut her off as I turned around and yelled back at her, "I don't care! They can expel me for all I care. Just leave me alone and **don't** try to comfort me." I gasped at what I had said and quickly turned and ran; dropping my bag in the hall.

I hopped the school gate as three other teachers ran up behind me. They were yelling commands at my back, but I didn't care. Tears coursed down my face as I dashed down the street. Other pedestrians gawked at me as I pushed through them. I ran all the way to the park and I didn't even stop when I entered the gates. My sides ached, but I ignored the petty sting as I ran into the woods around the park. The branches moved out of the way as I ran past them. The clearing…maybe he would be there. I could apologize. Maybe he would forgive me.

With a cry of frustration, I broke through the plants and trees, and stepped into the clearing where my beloved demon would secretly train. I panted and wheezed as my lungs took in the much needed air. I bent over to support some of my weight on my knees as I pressed my palms into them. I bowed my head and panted; gasping for air. Soon, I regained my breath, and I was able to peer around at my surroundings. I widened my senses by using the trees and plants to see if my friend was anywhere in the park.

Nothing. I didn't sense anything. My face screwed up into a frustrated cry of inner pain as I sank to my knees. I wish that I could find him. Tell him I'm sorry. Beg for his forgiveness. Tell him that I… that I love him. I cried out into the clearing as I pounded my clenched fists into the earth. The tears ran, uncontrolled, down my face as I cried my sorrow to no one. I controlled my mouthed noises as I tipped my head back to stare up at the blue sky. I smiled, sadly, to myself as I fell onto my back. I landed softly as I lied there for many silent moments.

I closed my eyes as I mumbled to myself, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Won't you come back and forgive me, my little love?" I opened my eyes to stare up at the sky; watch the clouds float and go by above me. I sniffled as I told myself, "I lied. I told myself that I would protect him." I rolled over onto my stomach as I curled my arms up to my head. I buried my head in my clothed arms as I mumbled, "I let Youko hurt him. Take him. Violate him in such a way that…I don't think he'll ever heal." I turned my head to the side as I muttered, "Oh please Hiei, come back to me and forgive me." I rolled up into a ball on the earth as I said, tiredly, "Forgive **us** for what I couldn't control…"

A/n: Bum, bum, bum! That's it! The end of the chapter 11! 12 comin'…sometime this year, hopefully…_grins_ Don't worry. I won't leave you guys hangin' like last time. Btw, sorry about that. But I have all of these other things I'm workin' on. Not stories, but, yes, poetry…._almost gags_ My friend got me addicted to the stuff. I'm almost convinced that the stuff is brainwashing material. No offense intended. But I'm just not a poetry person. Though, from what my friends tell me, I'm good at it. _shrugs_ But yea, whatever.


	12. Empty Eyes and a Broken Resistance

I'm Losing Myself

Chapter 12: Empty Eyes and a Broken Resistance

A/n: I'm really startin' to hate this story somethin' awful….

Cold Toenails: _sniffles_ That's okay……I don't need you…._audience can hear Forever Love from X Japan playing in the background_ Okay, so I'm a fat ass liar! I just like the cliff hangers….I don't like them happening to me, but I like the attention my audience gives me…I like attention! There, I said it! _laughs nervously_ You **are** gonna keep talking to me…….right? _nervous again_ Right! _hears silence_ _cries_ No one likes me! _runs away crying_

Jasmemini: Free verse for me. I entered one for a contest to win a publication and for $3000! I got it published, and now I'm waitin' for the money…..Ten people win money…..I hope I'm one of them! Think of how many doujinshis I could buy with that money……._drools_ I want that money! _sniffles_ I could buy a lot of yaoi things with $3000….._cries_ So much yaoi! Think if Togashi-sama would sell his rights to YYH for $3000……_evol laugh_ Of course, I would never want the rights to YYH, cause I would completely screw it up…..Yep. Then I'd be hunted down by rabid YYH fangirls and murdered in my sleep….Man, oh, man, did that come out of no where.

Dark Dragon34: Wow, you really think this is a good one? _tears well up in eyes_ That's really nice of you. I always think I put the characters out of character so much to the point where people reading probably think the story is a piece of junk. But I'm glad you and everyone else likes it!

Jessica: _in sing-song_ I'm a workin' on the next chapter! And editing is a bch! _laugh_ Here's the newest chapter.

jadejr1212: _again, in sing-song_ I can't tell you! Sorry, I like my "evil" laugh. I do it a lot. I spell the word "evil" wrong to put emphasis on it! _cackles evolly_ That would be considered and "evil" laugh, wouldn't it? _ sighs and pulls at cheek_ Damnit.

Hiei owns my soul: Maybe….If I'd quit listening to these kick ass songs and watchin' these videos! I'm addicted to them. Most are really good….while others….Yea.

Rave Slave: No ass kicking yet. Maybe next chapter. _laughs_ I'm such a tease! I love it when I do that. Gotta keep yall on yer toes!

EMPTY EYES AND A BROKEN RESISTANCE

Yusuke's eyes blinked open as the "stupid" sun came through the window and disturbed him. He pulled his arms out from under the heavy sheets and stretched. He tilted his head back to yawn, but stopped when he noticed the empty space next to him, he stopped moving around. He looked around his room for a moment; making sure that the little demon wasn't still there. But he noticed that the folded up black pants and gray tank top were gone from their resting place on a chair. Hiei was gone.

The toushin sighed as he turned to look at his alarm clock, though he never used it for that reason, and read the time. "Eleven in the morning? Damn. I'm still supposed to be sleeping….Oh well. I guess I should get up and start lookin' for shorty."

In another part of the city, high up in a tree, sat said demon. He had taken the clothes Yusuke was going to let him borrow, and had left. Without a goodbye or anything in that neighborhood. He sat in that tree with his bare arms wrapped around his legs, and didn't even flinch when the wind battered at him. He could feel the cold wind play with his hair and whip at his loose shirt, but at the time, he didn't care. The previous night, while he slept peacefully in Yusuke's arms, his mind was not a rest. Hiei knew that Kurama was looking for him. Searching endlessly for him. He could feel it in every hair on his body. Every dark pit of his mind. He knew that fox was hunting him. And it scared him.

The small demon curled up tighter around himself to try and hide. When the fox **did** find him, he didn't want anybody else to get hurt. Especially not someone who'd care as much as Yusuke. The hybrid youkai felt a strange shiver go up and down his spine as he thought about what had transpired between him and his old partner a few nights ago. All of the pain and such hurtful words. The jaganshi wasn't new to letting others use his body. He wasn't new to the pain of it all. Whoever wanted to use him got what they wanted, in exchange for something he himself wanted. Usually information about something or someone. But what confused the koorime boy was that when this familiar ritual had been preformed between him and someone else, he didn't get anything in return. He did, but it wasn't something he wanted. He was used to pain. But he usually gave it back afterwards. He had yet to do anything about the whole situation except cower in a place that he thought of as a temporary sanctuary. But he rarely ever used one sanctuary for too long before leaving it and not really coming back to it. Yusuke didn't want anything to do with him. And that's what Hiei discovered the night before as he slept in the half demon's arms. He had asked himself, "Who would want something as broken, jaded, and dirty as me?" Whoever thought of him as anything special was a fool and had been blinded by deception.

But another thing challenged the instinct that Hiei had created for himself. Just from being friends with Yusuke, his heart, though frozen and partly asleep, told him that Yusuke was no fool. Well, not the kind of fool that would refuse to hear such a question be asked about himself. Last night, all of the logic the demon and taught himself that every demon should know in order to survive had been challenged. Never let anyone get close to you. Don't ever trust someone that you wouldn't be willing to betray. Hundreds of things the youkai had told and taught himself since he was first beaten and betrayed, were thrown to the wind as Yusuke broke all of those laws with reassuring words and everlasting comfort. It confused the fire youkai. But what it did more then confuse him was that it scared him. That's why he had run away. That's why he had left without any farewells.

Something else that scared the young demon was that everything Yusuke did with him, **to** him, didn't hold a spec of disgust. Yusuke's hands weren't afraid to touch his flesh. Yusuke's body wasn't afraid of becoming anything like his. Yusuke was steady with everything he did with the frightened youkai. But the more the toushin showed he cared and wanted Hiei to open up to him, the more scared said demon had become. This, in the end, had caused him to flee.

The small demon sighed and lifted his head to stare at the city that was barely visible from where he sat. The city in which Yusuke lived in. Where his previous sanctuary had been. His safety. _"I won't go away until you tell me so."_ The jaganshi shivered as he remembered the toushin's promise. That Yusuke wouldn't leave until Hiei wanted him to. The youkai closed his eyes as he made a silent wish. _'I don't want you to go away Yusuke. I wish I wasn't such a coward. I could face you then. And accept your…care for me.'_ The koorime boy shivered again as a colder wind blew up his back. The loose tank top wasn't giving to much cover from the cool wind.

"I didn't know fire demons could get cold," a voice whispered from behind the youkai. The hi-youkai's movements were so lethargic that he had not the time to escape from the strangling green vines that wrapped around his body to constrict his movements. Hiei gasped as his still tired body was pulled from his sitting position on the tree branch and down to the ground where the tree began. He had not the strength to do any struggling, though thoughts of escape did run through his mind. He knew that he didn't have the energy to do anything about the situation he was in. He would just have to wait it out.

The bound youkai tried to move around for a few seconds, before he let himself hang limp in the vines grasp. His head hung low as foot steps approached him. A warm human hand tilted his chin up and vibrant green eyes bore holes into him. "Did you really think you could hide from me?" the angry voice of the kitsune in a human's body asked him. The short youkai shivered at the tone of voice. "Well? Answer my question," the fox demanded. Hiei took a chance of letting the kitsune seeing the disturbed look in his eyes when he stared Kurama in the face.

The two demons stared at each other for a long time. A thick silence hung between the two demons as they tried to read each other's thoughts. To distracted with his thoughts still soaked in turmoil, Hiei was the first to look away. He stared intensely at the ground just beyond the red hair of the fox that stood in front of him. "You still haven't answered my question, little demon." The grip around his body tightened for a few seconds until the smaller demon gasped as his ribs began to protest the contraction. The exhausted youkai ripped his head out of the kitsune's grasp and began a fruitless struggle that had the same outcome as the first one. Failure.

"Stop trying to get away Hiei! It won't work. You're too tired to get away from me," Kurama pointed out as the demon, once again, let himself go limp in the vine's grasp. With unclouded eyes, yet holding no brightness or shine to them, Hiei muttered, "It's none of your business why I hid. It was my choice." He lifted his head to ask, "I'm not hiding now, am I?" The kitsune stared at his ally for a moment longer before dropping to his knees in front of the silently frightened jaganshi.

Wrapping his arms around the small hybrid youkai's waist, Kurama mumbled, "Won't you ever forgive me? Are you that blind?" The fox chuckled while he hid his face in the shirt of his quivering friend. "No. Not you. You're not blind. Not in my eyes anyway." At the fox's command, the vines lifted the bound koorime's arms to be pinned above his head. The vines that bound his legs easily spread the limbs, and the young boy was pressed against a tree with a fox kneeling before him. Once again, Hiei's fears were brought to attention as he felt himself begin to panic.

A/n: I think I can stop there. My second attempt at a third person chapter. But you wouldn't believe how many god damn times I got stuck with this chapter! I detest typing my chapters in 3rd POV. I detest it with a passion. Please review and take pity on my horrible attempt of a third person POV! thinks Again would be a good word for this, but I won't bother. Gotta love cliff hangers, ne? Ja!


	13. Let Me Loose

I'm Losing Myself

Chapter 13: Let Me Loose

A/n: I guess I could do this chapter in 3rd too…I **really** don't want to. You people don't know how bad I blush when I'm typin' this. It's just horrible! But oh well. Onward you stupid dogs I call fingers! Onward! _cracks whip_

Cold Toenails: Two left feet for me. Can't dance even if someone was shootin' at me. But yes! You cannot kill me unless you never want to figure out what happens! _dryly_ Behold my non existence power over my audience! _fake, dry evil laugh_ God, am I board…..Dad suggested this evil thing known as "summer camp" and I screamed and ran for cover. Summer camp is doglyness! That's not a word, but I don't care!

Jasmemini: I want that money like I need to breathe air and have daily exposure to yaoi! I could do without the polluted air, but the yaoi I need! But I don't know too much about the OVAs. I have both movies, and almost the entire series, but the OVAs I have no idea about……ya know what I really wanted to get my best friend for her birthday? Bras and panties that had her favorite character on them….When I told her that she said she's wear them too! _laughs insanely_ I thought that was so funny when I told her that and she said that she would wear them! I was lookin' at her like "what the hell?" when she looked all excited.

Jessica: You're welcome.

Hiei owns my soul: The epilogue. When the story ends. These short chapters are annoying, but I only really deal with one topic in each chapter. I've always hated that.

Rave Slave: No spoilers for you! Can't give anything away now, could I? I just wouldn't be a very good authoress if I did! No, no evil laugh this time. I'm too tired. _sigh_

Shadow Jaganshi: _shies away from you_ What did I do? _lower lip quivers_ This is the last cliffy, I promise. But gee, that was kinda harsh. Oh well.

LET ME LOOSE

The koorime boy moaned helplessly as a wanting, hunting fox pushed his shirt up to place wet kisses around the his navel. The fox's mouth was warm and the kisses gently placed. A teasing tongue licked the helpless boy's skin to make him shiver and whither; pressed up against the tree like that, the fox thought his catch looked delicious. The fox inwardly smiled and praised himself for catching such a beautiful creature in a slightly messy trap. Before the half ice child had even sensed him coming, the fox had laid a trap. But he had made mistakes. He was so eager to trap the pretty child that he spoke before the vines had a full chance to climb up the tree. But the child was too tired to struggle much. Resistance was futile.

Hiei tossed his head back and forth as he inwardly argued with himself. He wanted the fox to continue with the teasing foreplay, but another part of him told him to resist it. He didn't know which part of himself to listen to. He knew that, not even five days ago, this man before him had betrayed the strong trust he held for him. Broke it without much care from what the bound youkai thought; from his views on what had happened that night anyway.

Kurama's hands sneakily traveled up, under the koorime's shirt to toy and tease a small, heaving chest. He knew the chest well. Small in size, but beneath the trembling skin laid strong muscles. A demon heart beat in an uneven pace and an almost erratic breathing pattern. Kurama smiled to himself. Hiei was scared. Had been shivering in fright ever since he has been bound.

Though the fox between his legs had ideas of mischief, Hiei had other ideas. He tried to block out the luring touch of the fox, but so far it wasn't working. He was defenseless, and at Kurama's mercy. If the fox was thinking about mercy at the time. The fire-youkai stared down at the fox's red head and gulped. Nope. Definitely **not** thinking about any mercy. The minute youkai gulped again and blushed in shame at what he was about to do. He could feel his ears start to get warm. Hiei knew that he was about to embarrass himself.

"Mercy," he mumbled. Kurama temporarily delayed his attack, and blinked a few times without looking up to question his quivering partner. "Please. I…beg you. You've already gotten what you wanted. I ask you to give me mercy." The fox's expression didn't change from the blank look as he up turned his head to stare up at his partner. A smirk made the naughty glow in his eyes to manifest as he saw the heavy blush on Hiei's face. The fox reached up to tape on the youkai's nose and asked playfully, "What?" The blushing hybrid tilted his head back to stare up at the sky. "I asked," he started to mumble through clenched teeth, "I'm…**begging** for your mercy." The kitsune didn't miss the emphasis on the word "begging".

"I thought you thought that mercy was for the weak," Kurama asked; teasingly. Hiei sighed, frustrated and still embarrassed. "I'm weak," he admitted. The half youko smiled a sly smile as he reached up to caress the skin of the ashamed youkai before him. The skin was inhumanly warm beneath his fingers tips, and he knew that his fingers were slightly cold. The warmth of Hiei's skin and the slight coolness of the fox's finger tips gave Kurama a satisfying reaction.

As a shiver ran up and down his spine, Hiei tried to pull away from the cool touch. He knew that it was a futile request, and only damaging himself. The little youkai knew that he should throw his pride to the side, and burn his ego. But it was all the demon had to go by now. He couldn't do anything with his legs feeling so weak and his arms bound. Any ideas that came to mind about escaping weren't too important then, because in his condition, Hiei knew that he wouldn't get to far if he chose to run from the kitsune.

"W…wait! Stop!" the fox's catch pleaded. Kurama sighed as he asked, "What is it now, love?" There was silence between the two males as Hiei came up with a plan. "I…I want to make a deal with you." The fox's interest was pricked at and he asked, "What **kind** of deal?" Kurama didn't know what his Hiei was up to, but he wanted to continue playing with him.

Hiei gulped loudly and thought to himself, 'I hope this works.' He inhaled deeply before he mumbled, "A game. It's a game…kinda. You let me go, and after awhile, come look for me. Like you're hunting me." The pinned demon knew that at the thought of a hunt would make the fox at least **think** about his offer. He hoped.

Kurama raised an eye brow at his demon. "A hunt, you say? You want me to hunt you?" The little demon nodded his head the redhead smiled. This was too good to be true. His love demon wanted to play with him now. Kurama knew that Hiei wouldn't be able to get far away from him without using the trees for help. And being a plant controller, there wasn't any way the hybrid would be able to get away. He would be too slow on the ground. Kurama grinned to himself as he thought with a purr, 'Perfect.'

The vines around the ice boy's limbs and hips uncoiled themselves and soon disappeared. Hiei wavered on his feet for a moment before the kitsune supported him with a helping hand. "Careful now. I'm only going to give you two minutes tops. Start running." Hiei nodded a few times before he slowly walked backwards, away from Kurama. He saw the devilish and naughty smile on the fox demon's face and it made Hiei's eyes go wide. Kurama wasn't messing around this time. If Hiei didn't do this right the first time, he wouldn't get a second chance. The hybrid knew that he needed to work out his plan carefully, but quickly at the same time. The red eyed boy gulped one more time before he turned and ran away from the tall pine tree.

A/n: Cliffy! _bum, bum, bum!_ You'll all have to review to see what happens! And, if I'm gonna stick to what I gots in mind, it's gonna be kinda actiony! The, as promised ages ago, ass kicking is in the next chapter! Can you say, "Teaser"? _nods_ Good. I knew you could. Though, there's only gonna be a little action. About this much: _pinches thumb and index finger to where there's only about a half a millimeter of space between the two_ Yea, that much. Nothing too gory or anything. Just some…._laughs evolly_ I'm not gonna tell you! Please review! Ja!


	14. Tourniquet for the Lost

I'm Losing Myself

Chapter 14: Tourniquet for the Lost

A/n: I know what the word tourniquet means, but I'm going to use it in the sense that it's like a safety. I would think that you readers would know why I'm using the word that way.

Warnings: slight Action (_weak though_), Major OOC-ness (**_big_**_ time out-of-characterness. just beware_!)

ATTENTION: NONE OF YOU WILL REALLY LIKE THIS CHAPTER! TRUST ME ON THIS ONE! I'VE SAID IT BEFORE, AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN! THE MAJORITY OF YOU WILL NOT LIKE HOW THIS STORY ENDS!

animebishieluver: Definitely not dumb enough. That pride was weighing him down anyway! _smiles_ That was a joke….can't really call that a joke though. It wasn't funny, but it did make sense. One of the two rules…kinda thingies.

Cold Toenails: I only went when I was going into second grade. I didn't need to, I wanted to (god, will I never willingly making that choice again!). I hated it because I had to take three classes. It was a kinda home room for one hour, then a gym class (where I'd rather put a bullet through my scull then go through again. I hated gym!) and then a kinda sciency class thingy….I hated it like I hate Mary Sues now! With a passion only reserved for my old teachers that can now suck my fat ass and quite a few anime characters that I don't particular like! I needed that rant.

Shadow Jaganshi: I was over due for an update anyway. I have a system (which is unwritten, but who cares?) I was bored anyway. Posted a poem too. But god do I hate the new system for posting new chapters/stories! It's ridiculous. But oh well, probably everyone else likes it but me. _sighs_ Everybody but me….._cries_

Jessica: Eager, are we?

Jasmemini: Only for my fans. Last chappy besides the epilogue. No more cliffies. Just kinda like an ending where ya don't know what's gonna happen. Leaves room for a sequel.

Hiei owns my soul: Ano….Sore wa himitsu desu yo! I'm not telling ya. Ya gots ta read.

Lil miss Komugi: Thanks! Last chappy except the epilogue. You're not one of my regulars, but that's okay.

Rave Slave: Oh, trust me, somebody's gonna be killed….probably me by all the angered yaoi-fangirls! Waaa! _hides in her yaoi-fangirl proof bunker, but is instantly repealed herself, because she is a raving, yaoi-fangirl_ Damn it.

kikira-san: That's okay. Lots of people glare at me. When I take the last piece of pizza, when I shove people out of the way and say "move it", and when I scream, "Look over there!" and steal something…._laughs_ Now I get feeling even **more** people are glaring at me. Hehehe….But honestly, do you think I'd make the cutest little thing in the whole anime wide world top something so nasty as one of them….won't mention any names but….._hears growling_ Don't look up….._winces_ Oh…dark and cold.

TOURNIQUET FOR THE LOST

Already labored breathing was making Hiei's chest heave and huff. He didn't know why he was still so weak from the situation he had just been in. He didn't know why his body would be effected by the rape **that** much. It had taken place a few days ago, and his body should have already healed. The demon didn't think that it should have been affecting him that much. He could barely even run at a good pace. He knew that Kurama would be catching up with him soon if he didn't start his plan. Sweat dampened the demon's brow as he stumbled through the forest. He needed to distance himself from his hunter. Yusuke wouldn't make it to him in time if he didn't.

The youkai's eye fluttered for a moment and the world grew darker. Hiei blinked a few times as he stumbled over a raised root in the ground. With a short gasp, the koorime raised his arms up to break his fall. It was too late thought, when he looked above him and saw the red and pink blur. The hybrid youkai gasped and covered his head when a green whip came down to wrap around his shuttering form.

"Shot Gun!"

The flying blue energy shots flew from one of Kurama's blind spots and narrowly missed the fox. While turning his attention to the half toushin, the green whip missed its mark, and grazed the ground near Hiei's waist. Kurama landed on the ground, and listened closely for any sounds that would give away Yusuke's location. Just the rustling of the trees, and the breeze sounded in the fox's ears.

Suddenly, the quick falls of foot steps coming closer to him alerted Kurama of the invisible attack. The fox knew that he wouldn't be able to hold his own against the half toushin for long. The half youko was so lost in his thoughts about how to get out of the situation that he failed to see the glowing fist coming nearer to his cheek. Yusuke's fist came down on the redhead's cheek and the older teen stumbled back a few paces; still holding the whip.

Yusuke glared for a moment before he preached, "Ya know, I thought it was kinda odd why Hiei didn't tell me who raped him. I thought it could have been anyone." The detective glared a bit harsher at the heavily breathing fox demon as he said louder, "But I never woulda thought that it was you, Kurama. I thought you and Hiei were partners, but I guess that that didn't mean too much to you, did it?" Kurama said nothing as he watched Yusuke with cautious green eyes. He was expecting anything from the younger teen now. He knew Yusuke pretty well, but with a matter such as this one, the fox didn't know what to expect.

Hiei watched from the "sidelines" as Yusuke preached his thoughts to the fox demon. He hadn't wanted Yusuke to know who had raped him for this exact reason. The koorime boy knew that Yusuke would want answers, and the detective would get angry. And then Yusuke would become almost unpredictable. The short youkai didn't know whether to protect someone or run. He didn't want to seem like a coward, but he didn't want the two warriors fighting over him. To Hiei, he didn't feel like he deserved the attention.

Yusuke took a quick, fleeting glance in his short friend's direction. The little demon looked like he was having an inner battle with himself. The half toushin felt a little sorry for the hi-youkai. He knew what it felt like to have to argue with one's self on something. Yusuke didn't really want to fight his fox friend, but he could just stand there and do nothing. He could just leave, but that wouldn't solve anything. He knew that if he didn't teach Kurama a lesson on not hurting someone your care about, then no one else would. Besides, Yusuke couldn't really look at the half youko and see the same person anymore. Someone had to stand up for what was right and be the better person. The half toushin knew that by beating his old teammate into some kind of bloody pulp wouldn't make him the better person, but at the moment Yusuke felt better then a rapist. In Yusuke's head, a punisher of some type was better then a rapist.

Kurama stared at the half human from under his bangs as a thick silence fell over them. He didn't know what Yusuke was up to, but he wasn't worried about the detective. What he was worried about was what was going to happen to Hiei. If he had been hurt in the little scuffle. The fox glanced over at his old partner to see if he had been hurt. The kitsune warily turned his head to stare over at his little love and mumbled, "Hiei…"

Yusuke looked between the two other demons when he heard the kitsune speak. The toushin gritted his teeth and said calmly, "Don't talk to him. You don't have the right anymore." And he took a threatening step towards the fox.

Kurama thought nothing of the step in his direction and ignored the statement that he had no right. The kitsune easily picked himself off from his butt to crawl on his knees a bit closer to Hiei. "I didn't hurt you with the whip, did I?" the fox demon asked the smaller youkai, ignoring the approach made by Yusuke. "The whip was thorn less." The kitsune searched the ground with his eyes for the whip he and dropped. He found it a few shuffles behind him and he reached back to grab it. He picked it up by the actual whip itself, not the handle, and showed it to the koorime boy. "See? No thorns." The fox easily dropped the whip that he no longer wanted to use.

Yusuke took long strides to reach the crawling fox's side. He snarled down at the half youko and said with malice, "Ya know, you got some nerve talkin' to Hiei. Acting like you're some innocent creature." Yusuke brought his clothed leg back, and brought it back forward with quick movements to kick the fox in the ribs.

The fox demon gasped and yelped a bit when at least two ribs bent and almost gave way from the kick. Deep down, he felt like he deserved the beating. He knew that he was a terrible friend for hurting Hiei, when the little demon had had it so rough when he was a child. Kurama gasped again when the dominating youkai kicked him in the ribs again, in the same place. The kitsune refused to give the detective the satisfactory of hearing him scream and watching him cry. But the fox demon couldn't help the tears the welled up in his eyes when he saw Hiei sitting on the ground, lower lip trembling, and his red eyes darkened with a pity and sadness that Kurama knew he didn't deserve to be spared. The redhead coughed a few times as the half toushin above him gave his side one last kick, and at least two or three ribs finally broke with smothered cracks.

Crimson red blood rose up in the kitsune's throat and he coughed it up. Kurama didn't care what happened to him, all he wanted to do was let his little love know that he was truly sorry, and wanted his forgiveness. Would beg for it if that would make Hiei happy. The fox pulled an arm out from under him, protecting it before from Yusuke's foot, and shakily reached out to his little koorime. The fox winced when Yusuke came back from his short intermission and kicked him again. The fox drew in shaky breaths as he stuttered with his words for a few seconds before he said loudly enough for his love to hear. The kitsune smiled at his love and said with tears beginning to burn his eyes again, "Hiei…I beg for your forgiveness." The fox winced again at his weak and shaky voice, but he didn't give it a second thought. "I don't care about what Youko may have told you but…," the fox coughed again and more blood ran out from his mouth, and down to his chin. He pulled his head up farther so that Hiei could see the smile that was on his face. "I love you….my little cub."

The tears finally broke from the fox's eye lids as he mumbled again, "I'm gravely sorry. And I hate myself because I love you…so much." Kurama slowly blinked a few times as he shook his head. The fox knew that his love would probably never forgive him, or believe in the love that he held for the little demon. But it was real love, not something that his youko half would authenticate. It was real love straight from the human heart that thumped sorrowfully in his chest. It wasn't a demon heart, it was a human heart, and Kurama wished with all of the nine tails of Inari that Hiei would believe him. But the redhead knew that his other half had done some terrible things to his little koorime, and the inexcusable acts would never be forgiven. Kurama knew that if he were in Hiei's place, that he wouldn't forgive himself either.

Hiei watched as his ex partner laid his head down on the grass covered ground and mumbled to himself. The little youkai didn't know what to say. He had heard Kurama say that he had loved him not eve a few days ago, but he didn't believe the fox. But with the broken look the usually lively fox had in his eyes softened the hybrid youkai's thoughts about forever holding this against his fox friend. Before, when the hi-youkai had flinted through the familiar window, he had his mind filled with thoughts of never forgiving his old friend. But now, with his ex friend being beaten by Yusuke, and another heart filled confession, Hiei didn't know what he wanted to do. Whether to break the promise he had made for himself, or to give the kitsune another chance. Kurama had given him lots of "second chances" before. 'Why shouldn't I return the many favors?' the hi-youkai thought to himself.

Another alto gasp filled the air, and Hiei made up his mind. Not paying any attention to whether Yusuke was getting ready for another kick or not, Hiei jumped up and dove in next to the wincing kitsune. The hi-youkai wrapped an arm around the fox demon's back and readied himself for a shock of pain from the half toushin's foot. But when he didn't feel any pain, Hiei turned his head back to stare up at the detective. Yusuke had a shocked look on his face and he asked quietly, "Wha…what are you doing?" The hybrid youkai turned his head away from the brown eyed half youkai so that he didn't see the wanted mercy gleam in his eyes. "He's had enough Yusuke. You've taught him his lesson. Please, leave him alone now." Hiei rested his head softly on a tensed shoulder blade and mumbled pleadingly, "Please, no more."

Yusuke stared down at the protective embrace the short koorime boy had around the kitsune and smiled. The half toushin bent down to pet at the wild black head of hair. "Alright Hiei. I'll leave him alone." The detective smiled as he saw the tensed shoulders of both of the other demons relax and slacken. "Ya want me to leave you two alone?" The black head nodded quietly and Yusuke smiled again. He leaned down farther to kiss the black hair and mumbled, "I'll see you two later. Please, be careful." Another nod and the brown eyed half ningen presumed himself dismissed.

Hiei sighed heavily when he felt Yusuke's ki leave the clearing, and soon the forest. He smiled a bit and pulled himself off the bruised and battered kitsune. He reached out a bandaged hand to pet at the ruffled crimson mane. Neither of the two demons said anything. Hoping that the harmonious silence wouldn't be broken. And this time, it was **not** one sided.

A/n: THE END! I'll have an epilogue and then that's the end! Talk about closure, ne? Look, I know many of you wouldn't have liked this chapter, but I didn't want to make this thing any longer then I had to. I have a reason for the forgiveness, but I think it's a personal thing to me. It's why I wrote this story.

WARNING: IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ THIS RANTING STUFF ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD, AND WHY I WROTE THIS STORY, STOP NOW! I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU RESPONDING NEGATIVLY TO MY POST. YOU DON'T LIKE AUTHORS RANTING, THEN DON'T READ THIS. THOUGH, IF YOU DO WANNA KNOW, AND YOU HAVE AN OPEN MIND, GO AHEAD AND READ.

I wrote it because, I was once just watching the show, and I noticed, that no matter what, Hiei would always have someone there for him. That was the total opposite for me. Cause ya see, when I was a child, six or seven years old, I had been abused. Neglected, if ya wanna say it that way. And, as I said before, I noticed that when Hiei was in pain, or he wanted to ask questions, someone was there for him. Well, I didn't have someone. I didn't have anyone to talk to, and I hadn't thought that anyone cared. That's different now, but back then, I was only a child and I didn't understand why all the other girls and boys had someone, and I didn't. I guess I kinda wrote this story for my mom. She wasn't the one who abused me, but everyone still said it was her fault. So, when I had felt betrayed, I, in a sense, ran away from her. Though, I was removed from her custody blah, blah, blah. And, when she came back, a few months later, she begged for my forgiveness. She got down on her knees, and she begged. She cried, sobbed. Everything. And, I forgave her. After that, I've always had someone there for me. So, I guess, this story is an ode to my mother. And that's why I had Hiei forgive Kurama. Because, in the end, I forgave my mother for her wrong doings. Everyone deserves a second chance. But that's only if they want to change for the better.


	15. Memories and a Photo Album

I'm Losing Myself

Epilogue: Memories and a Photo Album

A/n: Here we go. Closure.

Warnings; Het, shoujo-ai, and shonen-ai.

Jasmemini: Yea, I know. _sniffles_ So much love feeling…..stuff……teehee! Thanks so much for readin' and reviewin'.

Cold Toenails: That sad….but I don't pity you. I know that I hated being pitied. But, as long as he stopped, you should be okay…with the exception to that step mom of yours….I know I would drive myself crazy when my dad grounded me from my computer…._shutters just thinking about it_ I'd have to go for weeks at a time without my poor baby! It would sit and collect dust! _cries_ He was so mean! And thanks so much for readin' and reviewin'!

Animefouryou: Eager, aren't we?

kikira-san: Thanks. I hadn't even realized why I had written this story until I had gotten to this part. It was kinda weird…..It hit me all at once, and I wanted to ease into it, darn it! _raspberry to story_ Meany story. But yea, I'm workin' on a few things. I don't know if any of them will get anywhere. So far, in my three years for writing, just not posting, I've only finished two stories. _sniffles_ And that pisses me off! Oh well, maybe I'll find my "ground", as I like to call it, again. Hopefully…

Rave Slave: The only reason I did that was because I didn't want this thing being so long. I had never intended for the story to be over ten chapters, but look at where it finally stopped! Fourteen some odd numbers of chapters. Oh well. It was fun. Thanks for readin' and reviewin'!

Shadow Jaganshi: I've noticed that when I read fics like mine, I was kinda peeved when there was such an abrupt ending, so I thought that everyone would be angry. _shrugs_ Oh well, at least you liked it. _bashes head into desk_ I can't stop listening to the Gay Street Boys' stupid new song! Gahh! _bashes head harder_ Curse them!

anime-luney: This is the last chapter. But thanks for reading. Tell Ilikeyaoi "thank you" for me, too. She didn't review this time…._pouts_

MEMORIES AND A PHOTO ALBUM

A photo album laid out on a bed flipped its pages as wind from an open window forced it to move. Color pictures of happy group pictures flashed by as the wind picked up. About two more pages of the happy group pictures, and couple pictures came to light. A tall, muscled, and broad male circled his arms around a petty girl with greenish hair and red eyes. They smiled and laughed together, motionlessly, on the shiny, glossy paper. The whole page was filled with the two of them. Some of just the orange haired ningen being stupid and clumsy, just to make his ice princess laugh and smile.

Another turn of a page and pictures of the same short, petty girl showed up, but now with a tall brunette female. It had been a sad day for the male when his princess and told him that she found herself more comfortable with his older sister. But, wanting the short girl to be happy, he let her go and fall in love with his sister. But he constantly threatened the brunette that if she hurt the koorime's feelings, he would never forgive her.

With another turn of the page, more photos came to view. The same, tall broad guy that had been with the small red eyed girl, was seen hugging and smiling with a bubbly pink eyed, blue haired female. Though, there were few pictures of the couple. About a page and a half. But, as you could have seen in every picture they were in together, they were happy.

The next page turned, courtesy of the wind, and bright photos of a short brown haired girl and a half toushin filled the page. There were some embarrassing ones, where the girl was either slapping or running after her lover. Or, in other cases, the boy was looking up his girlfriend's skirt. White photos of their joyful wedding also brought smiles to any who looked back and thought of the merger. The two were meant to be together.

Then, the rest of the book except the last two pages were filled and almost overloaded with different sizes of pictures of a tall redhead male and a short, grumpy koorime boy. The two were together in different ways, most of them with the short black haired youkai looking peeved, or wanting to flick off whom ever was taking the picture. Some had a few smiles from the hybrid demon, and in some the two were kissing or hugging one another.

A turn of the page, and the photographs contained amusing drunk images of the two, or another person. One where the redhead was beginning to strip off his clothes in a bar; one of the boys or girls in the group of friend couldn't resist taking the photo. Another of the short black haired male trying to get his foxy lover to make out with him at a club. Blackmail photos of the drunken koorime half breed tied to a bed with his clothes off. Ask any of the boys in the group of friend and they'd smile at the memory.

The leather, aged photo album flipped to the last page it had, where the laminated pages were empty and nothing filled them. The redhead and black haired males hoped to fill those pages with friendly and loving pictures of the silver youko and the koorime boy being together peacefully. The hi-youkai had long forgiven his redhead mate, but still held a grudge and fear of the silver youko that lie just beyond the green eyes of his half human lover. The two shared endless nights talking together and sharing their pains about what was to happen to their relationship when the human body of Shuuichi Minamino died. Neither of them knew what to do. The short jaganshi knew that he could never be happy without his fox, but he also knew that his lover's youko side scared him. He would never hide that from his redhead lover, but he never liked admitting it. He didn't like to show weakness.

The door to the bedroom opened with quiet hinges and the shorter of the two lovers walked in. His redhead mate was waiting for him downstairs, they were going to spend the whole day together, and they forgot the photo album in the bedroom. The short youkai walked over to the bed with soft tip taps of his boot heals and toes. For the life of his little sister, he would never follow his kitsune's rules about taking his shoes off while in the house. The male demon picked the album off of the bed and stared at it for sometime in silence. He didn't know what he would have ever done had he not forgiven his foxy mate years ago. Forgiven all of the tears and blood they had shed for each other. Nothing would ever part them now. Not even a youko that could never be tamed.

Owari.


End file.
